


Roman Holiday

by lailannajacobs



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-25
Updated: 2019-06-25
Packaged: 2020-05-19 07:53:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 28,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19352704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lailannajacobs/pseuds/lailannajacobs
Summary: Reader gets sick and, in dealing with their cold (that’s taking longer to shake than usual), they begin to see that maybe there’s more to their usual sparring partner than they originally thought. Maybe, getting sick was exactly what they had needed?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This little fic started as a one shot then grew to be bigger than anticipated, hope you enjoy! <3

You felt like crap. Complete and utter crap. You hadn’t managed to get out of bed all morning and didn’t think you’d be able to for the rest of the day. But you knew you’d have to, you really had to pee.

You heaved a breath and pushed yourself out of bed. Every part of your body ached and every dizzying step you took towards the bathroom felt as if you were walking through quicksand. You spent as little time in the bathroom as necessary, swallowing a couple pills, not bothering to look at yourself in the mirror. You didn’t need the mirror to know that you probably looked as bad as you felt.

You were trudging back to your room when you were stopped by two hands on either sides of your body. The sick haze you had been walking through made you completely oblivious to Loki, who was now looking over every inch of you.

He said something, but you couldn’t focus. You shrugged. You needed to go back to bed. He nodded his agreement, which meant you must have spoken aloud. The next step you took almost sent you to the ground, but he caught you, slinging an arm around your waist.

You had no idea why he was here. You and Loki had never quite gotten along and if you remembered right, there was something else he was supposed to be doing right now. You couldn’t figure it out. It was on the tip of your tongue.

“I’m sick.” You mentioned, just in case he didn’t know.

He ushered you along gently, “I’m well aware (y/n).”

“Then why,” you paused, pulling him to a stop with you. “Are you still here?”

“You need to get to bed,” was all he said before pulling you along.

You followed, mainly because you had no choice, your head throbbing with each step. Being sick was the worst. At least you hadn’t thrown up yet. At least you hadn’t thrown up on him. Not that you’d feel too bad about it if you did. Maybe you should. He always made your life a living hell when you were sparing, using every one of his little tricks to make your life harder. Maybe he deserved it.

You shivered.

His hand went to your forehead.

He muttered something under his breath but you couldn’t hear. You recognized that tone though. It was his disappointed tone. You would have rolled your eyes if you knew it wouldn’t give you a splitting headache. You had your damned congested sinuses to thank for that.

“It’s not my fault.” You sassed, even though you knew it could never match his tone.

He sighed and shook his head. The movement only made the world spin so you closed your eyes. Before you had any idea what was going on, he lifted you off your feet and into his arms. You wanted to fight him off but you didn’t have the energy for it. You abandoned that thought completely when you felt yourself sink into your plush mattress.

“Sleep.” he ordered.

You scoffed. “You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

He might have answered, but you didn’t hear it, you were already asleep.

 

 

“Why do I always get paired up with him?” You whined, looking around the room for any one else to spar with.

“Because nobody else wants to.” Thor laughed, winking in his brother’s direction.

Loki only rolled his eyes in response.

“And you think I want to? He doesn’t fight fair.”

“Life’s not fair. Stop wasting time.” Loki said, beckoning to start the fight.

“He’s right,” Thor dodged a punch being thrown his way, “he’ll make you a better fighter.”

You took in a deep breath and stared down your opponent. The same opponent you seemed to be stuck with every couple days when you all came down to get a little workout in. It didn’t matter that he basically ignored you if you were anywhere else in the compound. Here, he couldn’t, so he made your fights as hard, if not harder, than they had to be.

You didn’t mind it so much, other than the horribly sore body the next day. And Thor was right, he did help you become a better fighter. Only he made it clear that he didn’t like you very much. Actually, not at all. That didn’t bother you so much either. You didn’t like him much either. He was grumpy most of the time and when he wasn’t, he ignored you anyways.

He never struck first. Like the gentleman he pretended to be, he always waited for you. The longer you took, the more irritated he would get. You had tried testing his patience, hoping to get him to strike first but it had never worked out. It had only meant that your fight had been that much harder.

“Will you do something? Or are you waiting for me to die of old age first? “ Loki demanded impatiently. “Just so you know, I still wouldn’t consider that a win.”

“Oh get over it.”

You swung a dagger up toward his face. It hadn’t taken long for you to adopt his way of fighting. You didn’t bring fists to a knife fight, and you always had to assume that he’d be fighting with a pair. That was the only way in which he was predictable.

You had been holding your own until sweat was pouring down your brow. It wasn’t every day you managed to get him to work, at least a little, to keep you at bay. Your satisfaction didn’t last much longer. He fell back, duplicated himself for barely a moment, just long enough to throw your concentration, before he had you flipped onto the mat, pinned underneath him.

‘I win.” He whispered as if he had never said it to you before.

You answered, “Fine.” but you both knew it was a promise to beat him next time.

A promise he repeated. “Fine.”

 

 

You opened your eyes but everything was dark. It took your eyes a second to adjust and a second longer to realize where you were. Your throat was scratchy and dry, you couldn’t breath out of your left nostril, barely out of the right, but you felt somewhat better than you had this morning.

On your beside table was a glass of blue liquid and two tiny pills. Past that, was Loki sprawled on a chair, fast asleep. You blinked, trying to remember why he was here. Why he looked so peaceful and harmless. It came back slowly. He had helped you back to your room and had most likely brought you the little gifts on your table but it still didn’t explain why he was here. Or why he had done any of that in the first place. Your brain hurt too much to even try to figure it out.

As much as you didn’t want to put a single thing in your body, you knew you had to take the pills. You’d only feel worse if you didn’t. Popping them in, you took a large gulp of the liquid, and apparently air too, because you started choking, trying your hardest not to spit it out everywhere. You managed to swallow but were still coughing when you noticed Loki side glance at you, as if it was too much work to turn his head completely, especially that you had just woken him up from his nap.

“I don’t recommend dying. It would be a pretty mortifying way to go.” He mentioned before closing his eyes again.

“Thanks for…the…concern.” you managed between coughs.

Once you had your hacking under control, you took in a long deep breath, in and out, through the mouth. Sitting up felt like a challenge but you remained that way, not wanting to seem weak in front of Loki. Although if you were being honest, he had seen worse earlier this morning.

“What are you doing here anyways?”

He didn’t open his eyes, “making sure you don’t die.”

“Sure,” you scoffed. “Cause you did a bang up job of it just now.”

“Thank you.” He smirked.

“Why would you care if I lived or died anyways? Not that I’m going to die, it’s just a cold. A really bad cold.”

“And you’re handling it with such dignity.”

You wanted to smack him. You didn’t, only because you didn’t have the arm strength to, but you wanted to. Really wanted to. “You didn’t answer my question.”

He leaned further back in the chair, “and you sound like you’ve eaten a frog.”

You rolled your eyes even if it sent the whole room spinning, “That’s an interesting comparison. And you’d know that how exactly?”

Even with his eyes closed, the crazy smile on his face spoke volumes towards his mischievous nature. “Let’s just say that Thor wasn’t too pleased when he realized that what he had eaten wasn’t his favourite dessert.”

“I can’t believe your brother has never stabbed you.” You shook your head.

“Well,” his smile lessened a little, “let’s just say that I’m usually the one doing the stabbing.”

You’d gathered enough strength and threw one of your throw pillows at him. After all, it wasn’t like you did anything bad, it was in their name. “I’d like to be the one to stab you right now.”

He slid the bright red pillow off his body as if it was a dirty rag, “all this hostility even after I take care of you. How ungrateful.”

His words reminded you that you still had no idea why he took care of you all day. “You never did answer my question Loki.”

“And you never said thank you. I am missing my training today because of your,” he waved his hand dramatically. “Human illness.”

You let your body flop back onto the bed, exhausted from all the sitting.

He sat up, “what’s the matter?”

He was looking at you, with what you could only imagine was concern in his eyes. Not that you would know for sure what it looked like. Even after he spent an hour throwing you to the ground during sparing practice, he never once looked at you the way he was now. You were weirded out by it but also a little flattered.

“(y/n)?”

“I’m fine.” You said, “just tired.”

“Oh.” he melted back into the chair and closed his eyes again. “You should get some rest then.”

“Okay…” You weren’t sure what else to say. You had never seen Loki like this. “I will.”

He wrung his hands, “do.. you need anything else? If you died in your sleep, that would be mortifying for me.”

“Because my own death wouldn’t be a bad thing for me?” you shook your head, a small smile on your lips. “But no, I’m fine, thank you.”

“Do you want me to leave?” He sat up as if expecting that he should have left a long time ago.

“No,” you shrug. “I’m fine.”

“Fine.” He huffed a little laugh and settled back down.

Within seconds, you were fast asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

When you woke the next morning, Loki was long gone. He had refilled your glass and left two new pills beside it, none of which you had been conscious for, but were extremely thankful anyways. You tried to take in a deep breath. It still wasn’t much easier to breath and your head felt incredibly stuffy but you knew you were feeling better. Hopefully getting better too.   
When you sat up and the world didn’t start to spin, you smiled. Maybe you could actually do something instead of lie in bed all day. Showering would be a pretty decent start. Brushing your teeth would be even better. Your stomach growled. It wasn’t going to let you forget it either.   
You pushed yourself out of bed and went to take a long, hot shower; the heat opening up your sinuses and the pills kicking in to clear your head. Even if you hadn’t eaten anything yet, you brushed your teeth and got dressed in your work out clothes. It felt good to be moving again. You avoided the mirror again. Just because you felt better didn’t mean that you looked any better and right now, you didn’t want to see or do anything that would make you lose your motivation.   
The compound was oddly silent for a Saturday morning. The grey halls were emptier than usual, which probably meant that there was something going on. You knew you were in no condition to go on any sort of mission but you itched to go anyways. Being cooped up in the compound for too long always made you kind of antsy, especially when you had the adrenaline of a mission to look forward too. Steve would say it was saving lives that you should look forward too, but you were recruited for your extremely high capabilities concerning explosives and blowing things up, not for saving lives. Not that saving lives wasn’t important. But that adrenaline high was always the first things you looked for, especially in a well timed explosion.   
You were going through the possibilities of who could still be here, and when you didn’t find anyone in the kitchen either, you figured there couldn’t be too many left. It would be a long day. Hopefully it would only be one long day instead of a long couple long days.   
You were halfway through your peanut butter toast when Loki walked into the room. He didn’t say anything, not that you expected him too, and didn’t acknowledge you either. He found a cereal box and poured some into the bowl, the sound deafening in the silence.   
It didn’t surprise you that they had left him behind. Incredible asset or not, he still wasn’t trusted on important missions. And judging by the lack of people, it was a pretty big one.   
You looked up at his back, taking the time to observe him when you knew he wasn’t looking. He fighting gear stretched tight across his shoulders, even if you didn’t normally spar on Saturdays. He had missed his training because he had spent the day with you and it wasn’t like him to miss a day. No matter how often you had hoped he would take a sick day or leave on a mission so that you could train with someone you actually liked, he was there waiting - waiting to make your session a sweaty hell.   
He sat down at the other end of the table and pulled a novel out of thin air. It was so silent that you could hear his crunching, the clock ticking on the wall and the faint hum of the fridge. It was strange to be so silent in a room with another person. You took a sip of your orange juice, feeling it burn as it slid down your throat. You smiled, hoping it was burning away the sickness.   
The sound of a page turning caught your attention but it was nothing out of the ordinary. Just you beings nasty and Loki acting as if you didn’t exist. But it didn’t matter. What had happened yesterday had been a fluke. You had considered thanking him, but nothing had changed between the two of you. You didn’t want it to either. Clint would be back from his family vacation in two days and Peter usually came over after school. They would keep you company. Until then, you had training to catch up on.   
You’d go down to the the gym to see if anyone else wanted to spar, if not, you’d probably work through some exercises on your own. You wouldn’t push yourself too hard. You didn’t need to stay sick longer than necessary.   
You got up to put your plate in the dishwasher and Loki spoke up, the sound of his voice surprising you. “Where are you going?”   
“None of your business.” You retorted automatically.   
“Fine.”   
“Fine.”   
You washed your plate in silence, refusing to say another word and escaped before anything else could happen. You shrugged off the weird feeling. It wasn’t like Loki to say anything to you outside of the sparing hall and it was even less like him to ask about your whereabouts or plans. You chalked it up to yesterday’s…well whatever yesterday was. Had it been harsh of you to answer the way you had? Had he been extending an olive branch? Maybe…  
You pushed the thoughts out of your head. There were more important things you could be doing with your day instead of trying to figure him out. You thought you had decided he wasn’t worth it a long time ago.  
Before you went to the gym to find a partner, you stopped in your room to grab a box of tissues. If you could make it through an hour without having to blow your nose it wouldn’t have been a necessary stop but unfortunately, you were still very much aware that you hadn’t managed to shake the cold.   
You didn’t cross a soul on your way to the gym and when you got there, the only people working out were cadets you barely recognized. Where was everyone? They had better come back with a ton of good stories to make up for the fact that you got left behind.   
As you made your way across the floor to the back of the room where the punching bags hung, you picked up a roll of tape. You weren’t interested in a set of bloody knuckles, especially when you weren’t used to hand to hand combat anymore. It was about time you got back practicing without knives.  
When you first got the compound you had next to no knowledge regarding fights and self defence so you weren’t excited to see how rusty you had gotten. It was scary how easily you could lose what was instinct to so many others.   
“You should be resting.”   
His voice startled you, but you refused to let it show, wrapping the tape around your hands without falter.   
“I already missed yesterday. I’m not going to miss a second day in a row.”   
You glanced up at Loki’s reflection in the mirror, just long enough to see that he didn’t move any closer. It was hard to miss the grumpy look on his face though. You waited for him to say something else, but he only watched.   
You bounced on your toes, cracking your neck, unnerved by his presence. Was he just going to stand there and watch? You clenched and unclenched your fists. Warming up would have been a smart move but it would have extended the awkward silence so you hit the bag. Hard.   
You might have been using the Speed Bag but it felt just as hard as the Heavy Bag. Less than ten punches in you were already panting and sweating. If Loki hadn’t been watching, you might have taken a seat but you had a point to prove. The only problem was, that it was getting harder and harder to breath.   
Before you could pass out, you stepped away from the bag and took a sip of water, trying to wash the metallic taste out of your mouth. “What are you still doing here?”   
He smirked, “Making sure you don’t die.”   
“You’re still on that?”  
He shrugged.   
“What makes you think I can’t handle it myself?”   
Loki pointed to the tissue box sitting on the bench beside your sweatshirt. There was no way you could lie and say it wasn’t yours. Even if there had been more people around to make the lie more convincing, it wasn’t like you could get Loki to believe anything that wasn’t the truth. He had always been able to call your bluffs while fighting and somehow, you didn’t doubt it extended to every day lies. If he could tell in the midst of fighting, he sure as hell could tell while observing you like prey.   
You jutted your chin up. “I can handle myself.”   
“I know you can.” You blinked, shocked by his words until he continued, “but right now, I doubt that.”   
There was nothing you could do to stop yourself from rolling your eyes at him. “It’s a cold Loki. And anyways, I’ve been through worse.” The sound of your fists hitting the bag filled the air. “You remember Budapest.”   
“You don’t need to remind me.” He grit out, his voice filled with something you couldn’t quite place. 

Budapest: A Year and a Half Ago 

You dodged the knife slashing for your throat and kicked the man square in the chest to gain some space. He staggered back a foot but was back on you without missing a beat. You panted hard, sweat dripping down the back of your shirt. His knife sung through the air, missing you by a hair as you rolled to the side. You wished for knives of your own but you didn’t know how much good that would do. You had rarely practiced fighting with or against knives, even if you seemed to always be paired with the one person in the compound known for fighting with blades. Unfortunately for you, he had never brought his knives to any of your practices.   
As the asshole nicked your suit, slicing through the fabric, you wished you could get this over with and send him into the Danube River for good. It was about time you finished this fight and the river was only a few precious feet behind him.   
“(y/l/n). Are you in position?” Steve’s voice crackled through the coms.   
You lifted your forearms and blocked his swing, the knife inches from your face. With a hard knee to the groin, you managed to loosen his grip on the knife so that it fell to the ground, and kicked, sliding it across the promenade and into the water.   
“Gimme a minute here, I’m almost done with this-” A punch to the gut knocked the words and the wind out of you.   
You were more than lucky that he hit you with his fist rather than the knife. Dead was the last thing you wanted to be. You scrambled to regain your bearings, and barely made it out of the knife’s path before getting your legs swept from under you. hitting the ground hard, pain zinged through your elbows and up into your shoulders. You grit your teeth and scrambled to get into a position to fight back, but he gripped you by the throat, pushing you back towards the river. As hard as you tried, he never gave you a chance to regain your footing.   
You wanted him to try and stab you. You needed him to. It was your best chance at throwing him off balance and into the river he was so intent on drowning you in. You were gasping for air, clawing at the vice grip strangling you. Even though the edges of your vision went blurry you were well aware you were about a foot from the edge. He was going to kill you.   
He smiled, ready to finish you off. You mirrored the crazy look on his face, your lips spreading. He paused, the moment of hesitation before he aimed the knife exactly what you were hoping for. The pause was just enough time to get a solid grip on the ground, and as the blade aimed for your gut, you used his momentum against him to sidestep and send him crashing into the water.   
You let out a sigh of relief but it didn't last long. Pain bloomed in your stomach and you fought to keep standing, your hands flying to your knees for support. The whole side of the suit around your abdomen was ripped open and dark, sticky blood oozed out of the wound. You couldn’t remember if you should leave the knife in or take it out.   
“(y/l/n). Are you in position yet.” Steve’s urgent voice repeated.   
“I’m almost there.” You answered through clenched teeth as you pressed your hands to the wound to stop the bleeding.   
The mission would be over soon after you made it into position and finished the job. You just had to make sure you didn’t bleed out first. You’d be fine, you told yourself as the world swayed, it was just a scratch. 

“I was only in the hospital for a week.” You reminded him, punching the bag harder.  
“And you couldn’t do any physical exercise or exert yourself for a full two weeks after that.” He reminded you.   
You were tempted to ignore him so you wouldn’t answer in huffed breathes, giving away how much the could was affecting you, but you couldn’t leave it at that. You refused to let someone who had barely spoken more than a dozen words to you at a time tell you what you could and couldn’t do. You hit the bag harder, imagining that you were hitting him instead.   
“This is different. I was hurt,” You punctuated each word with a punch to the bag, finishing with a resonating kick as you said, “Not sick.”  
His hand was on your shoulder before you could start up another sequence. You would have kept going but it was a good excuse to take a break without it looking like you had been dying to. Shrugging him off, you picked up your bottle and raised a brow expectantly. If he was going to bother stopping you, he had better have a good reason.   
His face was schooled into his usual expression of boredom, the slight, earlier signs of irritation long gone. “If this is so different, come down and practice with me.”  
You choked on your sip of water, “right now?”   
“Unless you’re too sick?” The corner of his lips twitched upward.   
With your hands on your hips, you shrugged. “Lead the way.”   
The smile, as bare as it was, dropped but he waited for you to grab your things before heading for the door. You had to blow your nose three times before you could breath relatively well and the taste of metal still hadn’t left your mouth. It was hard to believe that you were perfectly fine two days ago. You couldn’t remember the last time you had been sick before this. Was it always been this bad?   
Loki opened the gym doors but put his hand on the other side barring the way through. The look he gave you made you wonder what he had up his sleeve.   
“You say you’re feeling normal?”   
You tried to push past but his arm remained locked, so you tilted your head to look up at him. “Yes. That’s what I’ve been saying for the past twenty minutes.”   
He grinned as if he would have been disappointed if you had said anything else. “I don’t think you could last five rounds with me right now.”   
“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”   
“You’re not denying that I’m wrong.”   
You ignored the fuzzy feeling in your head and the scratchy throat, mustering enough confidence to fake it. “You’re wrong.”  
“Then let’s make a deal (y/n).” The glint in his eyes worried you. As much as you kept denying it, a nap was sounding good right about now. “If you can’t last the five rounds, you have to promise not to do anything demanding for the next two days.”   
You crossed your arms. “And if I win?”   
“Then I’ll be there to train with you whenever you would like.”   
It didn’t take long to make up your mind but you took the extra second, knowing you could use each and every one of them to regain your breath before going head to head with him.   
“Deal?” He asked when you had been silent for too long.   
“Fine.”   
You could hear the smirk in his voice. “Fine.”


	3. Chapter 3

Loki twirled the knife in his hand, the movement smooth from years of practice. He was growing impatient - a dangerous trait for someone so lethal. You knew it. Everyone knew it. But no matter the danger the daggers posed to countless others, you weren’t worried about getting hurt. Ever since he had begun sparing with them almost a year and a half ago, you hadn’t left the hall with even the slightest scratch. It was a promise he had kept from the day he had made it. Sure you had left with more bruises than you could ever count but never anything serious. Never anything that meant you couldn’t make it the next practice session. It was hard to tell whether it was because of his incredible talent or if it was because he used blunted knives without you knowing, but either way, the only thing you had to fear when sparing with Loki, was losing.  
On the other hand, Loki couldn’t say the same. You doubted he had anything to fear when sparing with you, but there was no way he had forgotten the first time you two had spared after having been stabbed in Budapest. It didn’t matter how much time had passed since then, there was no way he had forgotten.

_You walked into the hall, the black matts sinking beneath your running shoes. Your body was sore and every part creaked like the elastics in an old bathing suit when you bent over. Everyone had told you to take it easy. Go for a run, start up again in the gym instead, they had said, but you didn’t listen._   
_It wasn’t like you to take it easy. You were going to get back into it as if nothing had ever happened. You needed to get back in the field. You needed to make sure they knew that you weren’t weak. That you weren’t a liability._   
_The hall was filled with both people you did and didn’t recognize. Steve flashed you a smile as he ducked a punch from a metal arm, while you dodged a fast paced fight between two soldiers you didn’t recognize. Walking through the practice hall on a busy morning meant getting clobbered if you didn’t pay attention._   
_Most people were already paired up but that didn’t mean you were going to accept that you should find your usual sparing buddy. When given the choice, you’d take just about anyone else. But there he was. Leaning against the wall, he threw his dagger up in the air, and caught it as it twirled back down. Your gut clenched at the sight of the glinting metal. It was hard to tell whether or not you were imaging the throbbing in your side where you had gotten stabbed._   
_You took a step to hurry in the other direction when he lifted his eyes, pinning you down with his intense green stare. If you walked the other way now, you’d have a lot of explaining to do. Not to Loki of course, because you rarely ever said anything to him, but to his brother who, despite all of your complaints, thought that deep down you actually enjoyed sparing with Loki. Thor wasn’t the one who only had a success rate of about 40 percent and sometimes spent the week so sore he could barely squat to sit on the toilet. You were. Then again, from some of the stories you had heard, he had other things to worry about concerning his brother’s mischievous antics._   
_With a deep breath, you walked over to Loki, trying not to show aversion at getting so close to the glinting metal. He didn’t say anything as you arrived, only raked his gaze up and down your body in an intense inspection until you stopped in front of him. You shifted from foot to foot, having no clue what he was looking for._   
_There was an odd look on his face that you couldn’t quite place but you ignored it. Ignoring his strange looks had almost become second nature by now._   
_You crossed your arms. “Are we going to do this or are you going to lounge around all day?”_   
_He raised a brow, “You’re the one who’s late.”_   
_“Well, I’m here now. Come on.”_   
_You refused to explain that you had been late because you had been working up the courage to get back at it. Everyone’s concerns had made you wonder if you really were rushing into everything too quickly, and you really didn’t want to make things worse. Even with the stitches gone, the doctor had told you to take it slow, but after going to pee about three times because of the stress, your less rational side had won out. The only problem was that all those doubts had made you fifteen minutes late. Fifteen minutes you had been counting on to give Loki enough time to start with someone else._   
_He followed you about a dozen yards away from the wall, mirroring your stance. The smirk on his face told you he was ready for a fight. Your eyes were immediately dropped to the blade still in his right hand._   
_“You’re not fighting with that. Get rid of it.”_   
_“Why?” he drawled, “we always fight the same way and quite frankly, it’s getting boring.”_   
_Your heart rammed against your rib cage, already much faster than it should have been before a fight. You ignored the pain in you side, muttering to yourself that the pain wasn’t real._   
_You wiped your sweaty palms on your pants, “Because I don’t need another stab wound so soon after the last one.”_   
_He straightened, the snobby smirk vanishing,“It will be fine. (y/n), I won’t hurt you. Never with the daggers and never anything you can’t handle without. Never.”_   
_You clenched and unclenched your fists, half annoyed and half frightened. You had trouble believing him and you really didn’t want to get stabbed again, but there was something in his voice. Something you never heard before._   
_“Lose the knives so we can actually start.” You hissed through gritted teeth, though there wasn’t as much indifference in your voice as you would have liked._   
_He shook his head._   
_You crossed your arms._   
_The staring contest lasted until your heart rate finally slowed, your anger only an ember of what it was before, but you refused to back down. Surprisingly, the man who had refused to make the first move in fights out of pure will alone, was the one to break first._   
_“I promise (y/n). You have nothing to fear from the daggers.” He held the knife out in front of you in an open palmed gesture as if to say that it couldn’t hurt you. It was a lie and you both knew it, but somehow it made you feel a little better._   
_He offered you a simple, yet elegant dagger.“We’ll start slow. Yes?”_   
_You took it, grinding your teeth._   
_As you both backed into your stances he twirled the blade. Later you learned the action was a force of habit, but standing there in front of him, the movement sent you on edge._   
_You took in a deep breath and threw a punch toward the side without the dagger. It was predictable and he blocked it easily with his forearm. He sent the blade wide, slicing far to your left. It was a hit you normally wouldn’t have even spared a glance at knowing how off it was, but you couldn’t help your reaction. You were too jittery, your body prone to instinctive panic rather than intelligent action. Neither of you were expecting it when your fist connected with his nose, the crunching sound filling the air._   
_The dagger vanished and his hands flew to his nose to stop the bleeding. You were rooted to the spot, your eyes widening. A few other people around had stopped at the sound but no one dared approach. The fire in his eyes was a clear warning to everyone around. But after a moment, he tipped his head and lowered his gaze, breaking the spell._   
_You moved instantly, closing the distance and put a hand on his shoulder, “Oh my god Loki, are you all right?”_   
_He raised a brow. There was too much blood for him to want to open his mouth but you got the message clearly. You had just broken his nose, did you really think he was all right?_

“Are you stalling? Have you realized that you’re going to lose our little bet?” Loki’s voice brought you back to the present.  
Your gaze flitted to his perfect nose before you rolled your eyes. “I’m just trying to figure out the best way to win the five rounds when clearly I’m at a disadvantage.”  
“And what would that be?” He twirled his blade.  
“Oh I don’t know,” you waved the blade in your hand dramatically, “the fact that I can barely breath out of my nose.”  
“I thought you were fine?”  
“I am fine.”  
He chuckled.  
“Just shut up.”  
His lips spread into a wide, wolfish grin, “make me.”  
You sucked in a breath, the cool air tickling your lips. The odds of you winning on a regular day were slim but still possible. Sick, the chances were almost nonexistent. But you didn’t need to win. You needed to last five rounds. And that was something you knew you were smart enough to do.  
Starting slow, you approached with complex maneuvers that required more skill and less brute force. After the twenty minutes with the body bag, you knew you didn’t have much energy left, but you refused to lose the bet.  
He countered the moves easily but never moved to an offensive position. You either needed to win or needed to force him to play his hand. He would try and tire you out in one round - drawing it out until you couldn’t take it anymore - and you couldn’t let that happen. You were looking at the rounds like a marathon and the look in his eye told you it would be one hell of a long one.  
You managed to throw one of his knives across the floor before he had you pinned, your back up against his chest and a knife to your throat. It hovered an inch away, your chest moving up towards it in heaving breaths.  
“That’s one. Are you ready for another round?” He whispered into your ear.  
You shoved out of his grip, “Give me a second.”  
He watched, his breathing even, as you guzzled down half your bottle, the water easing the pain of your sore throat. You knew you should stop. It wouldn’t take long before you started getting dizzy. The smart thing to do was to get some rest. But you threw the bottle to the side and got into position for another round. You could do this. It was just a stupid cold.

Drenched in sweat, you swung pitifully at Loki. Your lungs burned, your sweater had darkened from sweat, your muscles screamed at you for relief and you felt like throwing up, but somehow, you had made it to the fifth round. Though you had no idea why he hadn’t finish it yet. He had spent the entire round toying with you like a cat. You had lost every single round and there was no way you were going to win this one but all you had to do was finish it. You didn’t win the bet until someone lost.  
You hooked his left leg with yours, hoping to send him to the ground but he easily saw through your plan. You yanked back, a second later than he had expected and threw him off balance. Mustering just enough strength, you pulled him to the ground with you.  
The impact resonated through your back to your head, the breath rushing out of your lungs. It almost felt like you had about two hundred pounds on your chest. Slowly, the weight eased and you opened your eyes to a pair of green ones searching your face. You quickly clued in as to what - or who - the weight was but didn’t move to shove him off. There wasn’t any energy left in you to get up or even lift your arms.  
He pushed up onto his elbows about to leave, his gaze never wavering, but you stopped him with a hand to his bicep.  
“Loki?”  
“Yes?” His voice was a low rumble in the back of his throat.  
“I win.” You whispered, your lips curling into a smile.


	4. Chapter 4

His eyes closed. He dipped his head and the corner of his lips turned upward. “Indeed you have.”  
You blew a stray strand of his hair out of your face, “Sometimes you have to lose to win.”  
“Five times?” He lifted his head, his eyes alight like you’d never seen them before.  
“Whatever it takes to beat you.” You grinned.  
“I wouldn’t get used to winning. Without those little explosives of yours, this isn’t a fair fight.”  
“It’s always a fair fight, and if you don’t believe it,” You tilted your head back haughtily, pushing back into the mat, “You’re just going to have to prove it.”  
His lips spread wickedly, “Don’t worry, I will.”  
You held his stare, daring him to make good on his promise. You don’t know what you were expecting him to do but when he dipped his head slowly, his gaze dropping to your lips, you knew you weren’t expecting that. Your heart began to hammer in your chest. He paused, his eyes finding yours, looking for something you couldn’t name. Maybe you were looking for the same thing in his. You didn’t know but your heart pounded against your ribs in anticipation.  
You gripped his arm, suddenly overcome by a horrible need to sneeze. You rolled to the side, sneezing multiple times into your shirt. They racked your body, reminding you that this wasn’t a regular day. You should have been on a mission instead.  
When you rolled back, he stood above you with his usual unimpressed look on his face, and you shivered. You hadn’t realized how warm you had been with his body pressed against yours.  
“What?” you propped up onto your elbows. “It’s not like I can help it.”  
“You should get some rest.” Was all he said.  
You were about to argue with him, but realized he was right. You couldn’t even get up without help, and after briefly considering napping on the workout mat, you raised a hand. He sighed but took it, lifting you up so that your bodies were inches away, your head tilted up to look him in the eyes.  
It was hard to know what he was thinking. When you had met him, you had thought you had figured out his type. But almost four years later, even this close, staring into green eyes unlike any others you had seen before, you couldn’t get past the surface.  
He cleared his throat and stepped back. “Get some rest (y/l/n).”  
Without another word he turned and left, and you felt yourself deflate. You weren’t sure what had happened. For a second, you had actually thought you were getting along with the god of mischief, and it…wasn’t horrible? You didn’t know if you wanted things to change or for them to stay the same. You had decided early on that he wasn’t the kind of guy you wanted to tangle with, and one moment, if you could even call it that, wasn’t enough to change anything. You had too many other things to think about than whatever that had been.  
What you really needed to do was nap. Regardless of how little you wanted to admit it, Loki was right. You needed rest. How you were going to get to your room though, was beyond you. Your legs felt like jelly, but somehow you managed to grab your bag and put one foot in front of the other until you flopped into your bed, not even bothering to get under the sheets.

Three And A Half Years Ago

“ _There’s a room for you here if you’d like to stay on the compound.” Steve pointed to a dull grey room, the only furniture being a bed, desk and dresser. “Personally, we’d prefer it if you stayed here.”_  
 _You crossed your arms, “You want to make sure I don’t go around blowing up something I’m not supposed to…Or someone.”_  
 _He sighed, “No, that’s not it. It’s just easier to get a hang of things around here if you stay.”_  
 _You didn’t believe him for a second but you didn’t say anything. They were right not to trust you. They had pulled you out of a mob operation gone sideways after you had almost blown Bucky to pieces. You were lucky his senses were above average because no regular soldier would have been able to get out in time. Killing someone was never a part of your plan. You only had sheer dumb luck to thank for the fact that it hadn’t happened yet._  
 _You had gotten involved with the mob years ago when you had desperately needed money and had needed it fast. They had accepted you with open arms. It wasn’t every day they met someone who could create and properly detonate complex explosives. Someone who had been young enough to get by unnoticed._  
 _When you had realized some of the Avengers were involved on your last job, you had rolled over on your old employers instantly, giving Steve everything he had wanted to know. In return, he had asked you if you had wanted a job. Why? You didn’t have a clue._  
 _It was hard to know what he had seen in you that had made him offer you the job, but you had taken it. Anything was better than the situation you had been in. And could still be in if you screwed up here._  
 _“For now you’ll mostly be working in the lab with Bruce, Peter and occasionally Tony,” Steve continued, “But if you stay here, maybe we can get you mission ready within a couple of months.”_  
 _You nodded, turning your gaze back to the room, empty of all personality. You could start over here, become someone who took pictures and framed them, and decorated their room with souvenirs and trinkets. Someone worth a second chance._  
 _“You should come down to the practice hall this afternoon. From what I’ve gathered you don’t have a lot of experience with hand to hand combat?”_  
 _You shook your head._  
 _“We can’t bring you with us if you can’t defend yourself so that will be one of the first things to check off before you see anything other than the lab. Until then, feel free to explore. You can go anywhere your access pass allows you to. I hope to see you this afternoon (y/n).”_  
 _You watched him leave, surprised by the amount of trust they had in you. You wouldn’t have trusted you for a second, but you were glad they did. Maybe, for the first time, you could actually do something good._  
 _“So you’re the criminal.” A male voice drawled._  
 _You turned slowly, trying to clamp down on your irritation. It wasn’t exactly thrilling to know you already had a reputation. “And you are?”_  
 _He leaned against the wall casually, his arms crossed over his chest. His head was tilted, like an animal observing its prey, his dark, shoulder length hair falling to his shoulders. You didn’t recognize him but you knew his type. He was dangerous and didn’t seem to be afraid to prove it. Instinctively you were attracted to his dark allure but you shoved the feelings away. You were here for a new start, not to get into the same bad habits as before._  
 _His eyes narrowed and for a second you wondered if he could read your thoughts. “No one of importance.”_  
 _He pushed off the wall, his face now a mask void of emotion, and walked past as if he hadn’t just stopped and had a conversation - if you could even call it that._  
 _You closed your eyes and took in a deep breath. There were so many other things you could be doing right now. You itched to finally work in a real lab rather than in an old tool shed. You were going to go on missions. Eventually. It didn’t matter if you had to be in the training hall twice a day, every day, you were going to become an essential asset here. An asset, not a liability._  
 _Steve had said you could be mission ready within a couple months. Well, you were going to do it in one. They weren’t going to regret taking you in. You glanced back at the room and then at your tiny backpack containing all of your things. Maybe you could finally find a home._

You had been hoping to find Clint when you walked into the lab after your three hour nap, but it was empty, which you would’ve known if you had just checked your phone before hand. The pristine tables and high tech gear scattered around the room soothed your nerves. Even after a nap, training sessions always left you kind of jumpy, and the only place you felt like you could breath properly - even through blocked nostrils - was the lab. Being here was second nature.  
You had spent the past couple weeks working on explosives that, when paired with the vibranium arrow tips, wouldn’t destroy the whole arrow. Of course, like Clint’s old arrows, they needed to be detonated after a certain amount of time, like a grenade, but you were trying to get them to be manually detonated as well. You had created some that were regular explosives and others that stunned with either sound waves or electric shocks, depending on the situation. There weren’t too many humans on the team, and you were going to do everything in your power to equal the playing field for those who were.  
You picked up one of Clint’s old bows and drew it, aiming at the far wall. It was hard to know exactly where the detonator should be, seeing as you weren’t the same size as him. If Peter were here, you could use him as your test subject, but apparently the city needed their friendly neighbourhood Spiderman this evening. But it didn’t matter. You were dealing with the prototype and could move the trigger if it wasn’t quite right.  
Placing it back down, you dragged over a stool and began to work out the logistics of the bow’s detonator. With the arrows practically worked out, you had a feeling you’d be able to get a test product by tomorrow. The only catch was, you’d be in the lab for the rest of the night.  
The leftover pizza you had grabbed from the fridge on your way here, the box of tissues and water bottle would be enough to get you through the evening. Your cold could suck it.


	5. Chapter 5

You rubbed the sleep out of your eyes and tried not to think about the fact that your throat hurt more than yesterday. Maybe you would have needed more than four hours of sleep but it was hard to regret your decision when you had managed to finished Clint’s prototypes.  
Years of walking the same path to the kitchen made it that you barely had to open your eyes as you trudged through the hallways. You pulled down on the sleeve of your oversized hoodie and wrapped your arms around your torso. If Loki saw you now, he’d probably tell you to go back to bed so that you didn’t die. You smirked. His little knowledge about human illness was comical. Sure, by all standards you were more fragile than he was but that didn’t mean you’d shatter like glass. Or die of a cold for that matter.  
You rounded the corner, smashing into what felt like a brick wall. Steady hands on your biceps held you upright as you swayed backward and you looked up, more than a little confused. You squinted your eyes. It was hard to tell if you were imagining the smile on Loki’s face. That kind of smile was never directed at you.  
Had you conjured him? “What are you doing here?”  
You squeezed your eyes shut and opened them again slowly. He had probably been eating breakfast. You had gotten up an hour later than usual, and although eight in the morning wasn’t sleeping in by anyone’s standards, Loki would have been up before that.  
He released his hands, “be careful (y/n).”  
You furrowed your brows, not sure what he meant, but he didn’t elaborate. He pushed passed you with a sly look on his face and you watched even after you couldn’t see him anymore. Something in your stomach felt weird. You just assumed it was just the cold…because what else could it be? You waited for it to pass, but it didn’t despite how long you stood there.  
Was it…could it be disappointment? You turned back towards the kitchen. Could it be that you had been hoping that Loki would be eating breakfast at the same time as you were? You rubbed your hands over your face as you entered the kitchen. That couldn’t be. You were just lonely because everyone else was on a mission. Yeah, that was it.  
When you entered the kitchen, a cadet at the far end shot you a tight smile, dropping his gaze quickly. You pursed your lips. Loki had better not have terrorized the poor guy. Loki was known for using his illusions for a “bit of fun” with the new recruits, and it wasn’t like you were all that intimidating, so it was hard not to immediately blame Loki for this cadet’s extremely shy reaction.  
You sat down at the other end of the table with a bowl of oatmeal and scrolled through your phone trying to find anything on the news that would tell you what everyone else was up to. But whatever it was, it was deep undercover because your quick search revealed nothing. They were under the radar - something that didn’t happen often when you were around.  
You were good at your job - one of the best really - which meant it was possible for you to make an explosion discreet, but unless specifically asked, you liked it when things went out with a bang. Literally.  
You tried to take your time eating your cereal but a lazy Sunday had never been in your cards before coming to the compound and you couldn’t start with one now. It wasn’t in you, especially when you had a cold to sweat out.  
The bowl was empty before you could even really try to solve the crossword you found in a discarded newspaper but if you were being honest, you weren’t good at them anyways. The cadet was enraptured with his breakfast, too shy to look up at you so it wasn’t like he could keep you company either. It was probably for the best. You tended to be too pushy around people with softer personalities. With a sigh, you crumpled up the paper and threw it in the trash, already feeling antsy.  
After getting dressed, you wandered the halls in search of a sparing partner. You could practice with the bags again today, and you would if you didn’t find anyone, but it was so different with someone else. People weren’t predictable and you needed to stay on your toes. You sneezed and blew your nose. Maybe you should just take it easy. You pushed the thought away. There was probably a cadet somewhere that wasn’t afraid to work with you.  
Your footsteps barely made a sound as you walked down yet another empty hallway and you smiled. Slowly but surely, you were getting a hang at this whole secret operative thing. If only five-years-ago-you could see you now. It was kind of hard to believe that you had gone from criminal to do-gooder in less than five years.  
“Looking for me?”  
You stopped at the sound of his voice and resisted the urge to roll your eyes. “No. Looking for some to train with.”  
“I’m right here.” Turning, you saw the smirk on his face you so clearly heard in his voice. “No need to keep looking.”  
“What makes you so chipper this morning? I’ve never known you to take a loss so well.” You put a hand on your hip, not bothering to hide your smugness.  
He leaned against the wall, hands stuffed into his pockets. “Seeing you on the prowl, looking for me, does. It’s quite flattering.”  
“I was not” You imitated his accent, “on the prowl.”  
“No one walks that silently if they’re not on the prowl.”  
You lifted your chin, “So is that what you were doing then? I didn’t hear you come up.”  
“I may have been,” he amended, surprising you for a moment before he said, “You’re an easy prey.”  
You glared at him.  
He grinned.  
“All right, that’s it.” You stomped off, heading towards the practice hall.  
When you realized he wasn’t following you whirled around. He stood there with a raised eyebrow and a bit of a stupefied look on his face. His hands were crossed over his chest, a protective gesture you noticed he often did when he was with his brother.  
You lifted your hands in exasperation. “Aren’t you coming?”  
He cocked his head. “Where?”  
“You can’t call me easy prey and then expect me to take it. So come on, let’s practice then,” you kept walking, “unless you’re scared?”  
He appeared right in front of you but you stomped on, right through the image. You were getting used to his antics by now and were determined not to get thrown by them. He called you easy prey, like hell he could walk away from that.  
A few long strides had him keeping pace with you, “What if we do something else?”  
You let out a laugh, “so you are scared.”  
He rolled his eyes. It was hard to believe anyone could put that much sass into a simple eye roll.  
“So what is it then?” You stopped walking. “What else do you have in mind?”  
“What about something neither of us are very good at?” He suggested.  
You put a hand on your hip. “Like?”  
“Archery?”  
You kept walking, “Like I believe that you’re no good at that. We’re going to the hall.”  
He put an hand on your shoulder, gently enough that you stopped because it felt more like a question than an order.  
You raised a brow.  
He sighed. “If not archery, then something else.”  
“What is this about?” Your phone beeped, but you ignored it, holding his gaze.  
He ran a hand through his hair. “Nothing.”  
“Well it’s obviously about something.”  
“I was just thinking that you could do something less…” He didn’t finish but you knew exactly what he wanted to say.  
“Listen to me and listen to me good Loki.” You stepped up to him and jabbed a finger into his chest. With such a height difference, it was the best way to get your point across. “I am okay. All I have is a cold that will be long by tomorrow. If I’m not okay, I promise I will let you know. But until then, back off. Got it?”  
He clenched his jaw but nodded anyways.  
Your phone beeped again. “Good. So can we please go down to the hall?”  
He waved a hand at your phone, his cold mask sliding back into place. “Please by all means, check it.”  
“You don’t have to be so grumpy.” You muttered taking your phone out of your pocket.  
Your frustration vanished. The text you received gave you a brilliant idea. One you were certain Loki wasn’t going to like. Which was exactly why you liked it so much.  
“You know what, let’s go to the archery range. You’re right, I should be taking it easy today.”  
His brows furrowed and he actually looked worried. Good. He should be.  
“We just need to stop at my lab first to pick up a few things.”

_“And this is my brother.” Thor finished his little makeshift tour by pointing at the tall, dark haired man you had seen on your first day here. “He may seem grumpy but don’t let that fool you. He loves tricks.”_   
_When you had walked out of your room this morning and into one of the biggest, most handsome men you had ever seen, you hadn’t expected to be offered a tour of the compound. You hadn’t said much, but you hadn’t needed to. Thor did all the talking, pointing out things here and there that had struck him as odd the first time he had stayed. He had introduced you to people left and right - you only remembered a few names - and had been more welcoming than you ever thought a complete stranger could be._   
_He had let you know that he only occasionally came down to earth but that he could see that you’d fit in just right here. He had said it with such confidence that you had found yourself believing him. You had rarely met anyone who was so genuinely nice._   
_Thor clapped his brother on the back. “Loki, this is (y/n), (y/n) Loki.”_   
_“We’ve met.” was all he - Loki - said._   
_You pursed your lips to stop yourself from correcting him. You really didn’t need Thor thinking the criminal Steve brought in immediately sought out Thor’s infamous brother. It was hard to believe you hadn’t recognized him the first time you had seen him. You should have. He was something of a legend in the criminal underworld._   
_Loki stuffed his hands into his pockets and kept his intense stare on you. You held it, refusing to back down. If there was anything you learned from your time running with the mob, was that looking away first meant getting stepped all over. Whatever authority he thought he had, you wanted to make it clear that it didn’t give him the right to push you around. Ever. The corner of his mouth lifted, barely, but just enough to remind you of a wolf. There was something dangerous and cunning lurking beneath the surface and you lifted your chin slightly in response. You had tangled with much scarier than him. He would have to do a much better job if he wanted to intimidate you._   
_“(y/n)’s an expert at making things go boom.” Thor continued, oblivious of the staring contest going on, “I’m excited to see them in action.”_   
_“That won’t be just yet.” You refused to break eye contact with Loki first to answer Thor properly._   
_It was rude but you couldn’t help it._   
_Loki's grin only grew. “Do they have trust issues with you?”_   
_“You would know.”_   
_Thor’s laugh burst through the air as he clapped you both on the back, shattering the eye contact. “I had a feeling you two would be getting along. Come spar with us (y/n), I want to see what the explosive new recruit can do.”_   
_You felt your cheeks heat. How did you tell them that if you were to get into a fight with anyone here you’d end up dead within seconds? You sure as hell didn’t want to die but you didn’t want them thinking any less of you either._   
_“I don’t think we’ll be seeing much brother.”_   
_You expected to see that same sly look on Loki’s face but it looked like his mind was elsewhere. Even if his words didn’t come out with as much bite as you expected you still wanted to make yourself seem more like an asset than a liability. You couldn’t afford to be any less than essential._   
_“I - you - it…” The words didn’t seem to want to come out and you huffed out an irritated breath._   
_Thor, understanding the situation, smiled warmly. “We’ll see what you’ve got and work with that. I’ve been looking for someone else to practice with my brother for an eternity now. Something tells me that you won’t get scared off.”_

 


	6. Chapter 6

“I don’t particularly care to be shot at.” Loki drawled in that dry, cocky way of his.  
“Well Clint got held up so you’re my new test dummy.” You looked up at the ceiling with a finger on your chin, “Or I guess I should just say, a dummy.”  
Loki fidgeted in front of the target, staring you down from about ten feet away. This was the closest you’d ever seen him to being uncomfortable, and every time you lifted the bow you noticed his hands clench. For someone usually so composed, he was looking pretty antsy.  
“I’ve seen what your little toys can do (y/n), I don’t understand why I have to be the target. The target is a perfectly acceptable target.”  
“I thought you wanted me to take it easy Loki?” You sang, unable to wipe the smile from your face. “I’m only doing as you not so kindly asked.”  
“This is not what I meant.” He crossed his arms.  
You lifted the bow, lining it up with the middle of the target behind him. “Scared?”  
He raised a brow. “Of getting my face blown off?”  
“Good point.” You conceded, lowering your bow again so that he could listen to your explanation without the fear of getting shot at. “I need someone who’s fast enough to actually render the explosives useless. And from what I’ve heard, you can take a beating if it goes south.”  
“Says who?”  
You grinned. “Bruce.”  
You didn’t think you’d ever seen Loki look so unamused. “All I have to do is catch the arrow, correct?”  
“For now.”  
He looked like he wanted to ask you what you meant by that but decided against it. You didn’t tell him either. It was better if he didn’t know. Essentially, you needed to test out the explosives in the tips and the shaft. The first thing you needed to make sure was that they wouldn’t explode on impact. Your math should have been correct but it needed to be field tested first, just to be sure. Next was making sure that, if caught by someone with inhuman reflexes, they could detonate as soon as they were caught seeing as the physical contact on the shaft would detonate the explosives - both the stun ones and the fiery ones. Figuring out how to make it that they wouldn’t blow when nocking had taken most of last night but you were pretty sure you had figured it out. Sure enough that you weren’t afraid they would blow up when you touched them but not sure enough to know that they would actually detonate.  
At least you had figured out a way to keep the arrows intact. You didn’t have it in you to make a whole other set for when Clint arrived tomorrow.  
“All right, move to the side for a second.”  
He did as he was told but couldn’t resist a snarky comment. “I thought the point of me standing here was to give you a harder target.”  
“It was but I’m not Clint so you’re going to have to give me a few warm up shots.”  
He sighed, probably bored now that he wasn’t getting shot at, and motioned for you to go ahead with a wave of his hand. So demanding, even when he was supposed to be taking directions.  
As you lifted the bow and pulled back on the string, you took in a deep breath and held it as you aimed. You visualized where you wanted it to go and released, your breath following the arrow as it sailed through the air. Your eyes followed it, realizing too late where it was headed.  
Loki ducked, the arrow narrowly missing his head as it flew past and exploded into the wall far behind. Chunks of wall flew to the ground and dust filled the air. You chewed your thumb nail. It shouldn’t have exploded on impact. That was one of your manually detonated arrows… You swore. Something was wrong with your calculations.  
“I thought you said,” he growled and he lifted his head with a flick, his hair flying out of his face, “you weren’t shooting at me.”  
You shrugged. “I wasn’t.”  
Did you feel a little bad that you had almost shot him with a explosive arrow? A little. Were you worried enough about his safety to change the plan? Absolutely not. But were you worried about Steve’s reaction once he learned that you blew a hole in his wall? Enough that you were going to switch to regular arrows for your first couple shots.  
“I don’t believe you.” He said as you ran to the wall to check to see if your arrow hadn’t splintered into a million pieces.  
“I’m serious!” You protested with a laugh that didn’t help your case. “I was aiming at the target.”  
You could feel his green eyes boring into you from across the room. “Clearly your so called cold is affecting your archery skills.”  
You let out an awkward laugh, “Yeah…”  
A breath of relief escaped your lips when you spotted the arrow behind a chunk of concrete. It was warm in your hands but otherwise unscathed. At least you had figured out one part of the problem. You stared at it for a long time, hoping the answer would jump out at you until you noticed that Loki hadn’t said a word in too long. You turned around.  
His eyes were locked on you, his head tilted in observation. When you made eye contact the the corner of his lips spread into a wide grin, his tongue pressed to the space between his teeth. He took a step forward and your heart began to race. You knew that smile. Knew it all to well. The only time you ever saw that smile was when you were about twenty seconds away from losing. Which worried you right now because whatever game you were playing, he clearly had a head start.

Almost Three and a Half Years Ago

_A wolf. That’s exactly what Loki reminded you of as you stood across from him, geared up in workout clothes with only your wits and your lack of skills to protect you._   
_Thor stood off to the side, excited and ready to coach his newfound friend. He had mentioned something about teaching you certain moves before putting you in an actual fight but had decided against it in favour of seeing what self defence skills you actually had. He figured it would be more effective if he knew what he was working with._   
_You could have saved him the trouble by telling him that your skills were almost nonexistent, but you hadn’t wanted to give anyone else a reason to think you didn’t belong here. It was a losing battle you had been fighting with yourself, ever since you had arrived at the compound a few days ago._   
_Although you knew everyone else in the hall was focused on the person they were paired up with, you couldn’t help but feel like you were being watched. You assumed it was because you were out of your element that you were so self conscious, but it might have been because Loki was staring you down like prey._   
_You rolled your shoulders back, refusing to let him think he intimidated you. It was the fight that was daunting, you reminded yourself. Not him. And you’d make sure you made that very clear, even if you had to lose every single round to prove it to him. You knew the only way to show that you weren’t afraid, was to dive right in, and pretending you weren’t afraid was something you had perfected while in the mob._   
_The corners of his mouth pulled into a wide grin and once again you were reminded of a wolf - a wolf who knew very well that its prey was trapped._   
_“Your move (y/l/n).”_   
_Gritting your teeth, you looked over at Thor. He gave you a wide, encouraging nod and motioned for you to go ahead. You threw a punch toward Loki’s jaw but before you knew what was happening you were flat on your back, the air sucked out of your chest on impact._   
_When you opened your eyes two heads peered down at you. Although both men were smiling, only one was encouraging. The other was victorious, taunting you to try again._

He stalked forward, his grin somehow widening with each step. “The cold isn’t affecting your archery skills at all is it?”  
You didn’t answer. There was no use in protesting when it was obvious he was asking rhetorical questions.  
“You’re really just terrible at archery, aren’t you?”  
“I wouldn’t classify it as terrible.” You ground out.  
“Take another shot then.” He dared.  
If you didn’t shoot, you proved him right. If you did, there was still a huge chance that you would prove him right. Either way, you knew you were going to lose.  
You let out a sigh, walked over to where you had been before and nocked the arrow. You could do this. If you had stopped trying every time you were afraid to lose against Loki, you wouldn’t have become half as talented in hand to hand combat as you were now. And as much as you hated to lose against him, every win or loss made you a better fighter. At least, that’s what Thor kept saying to convince you to keep sparring with his brother. That’s what you told yourself now and you took aim and let the arrow fly with your exhale.  
The sound of the arrow pinging off the wall and clattering to floor echoed in the empty hall. You stared at the arrow on the ground for a second before Loki’s chuckling filled the air. You glared at him but couldn’t help but be partly mystified at the sound. It wasn’t something you heard all that often.  
You smacked his arm. “Oh, shut up.”  
He shook his head, his eyes dancing with mischief. “I will not.”  
You convinced yourself not to shoot him if only because you’d be mortified if you missed at such a close distance. He continued to chuckle as if daring you to shoot, but you held your ground, glaring at him instead.  
“All right,” he grinned once he was done, “You’re never going to be able to test your arrows if you can’t shoot them.”  
“Thank you for stating the obvious.”  
He rolled his eyes. Obviously he thought he was the only one who could answer with sass. You watched as he approached, wary of his unspoken plans.  
“Lift the bow.” he ordered. “Aim.”  
You lifted a brow.  
“What?” He groaned.  
“Please.”  
He shook his head, not understanding. “Please what?”  
“Lift the bow and aim, please.”  
“I’m instructing you, not asking.” his jaw twitched, “There’s no use for please.”  
“Fine.” You raised the bow, “If you’re not going to say please then be less grumpy about it.”  
“Fine.” The word was no less grumpy than before.  
You aimed the centre of the target. “Now what?”  
“Be patient.” He whispered, now from somewhere behind you.  
You felt his fingers wrap around your hand and the bow, and his other fingers pushing down on your elbow, guiding it into the proper position.  
“What are you doing?” The words came out in a soft exhale.  
“Making sure I don’t die.”  
“Nice to know…” you stopped that train of thought. “You could have fooled me. Dying seems to be one of your favourite tricks.”  
“I’ve never been keen on actually dying.”  
You hadn’t wanted to mentioned that he said the same thing to you just yesterday. That he wasn’t keen on you dying either. You didn’t know what it would mean if he realized that and you didn’t know what it meant if you were the only one to have realized he didn’t want you dead either. Maybe you’re mind only went there because of the fact that you could feel his breath on your neck and his calloused fingers wrapped around yours. But this was Loki. He was just your sparring partner. He meant nothing by it. He only wanted to keep himself unharmed.  
Steering the conversation back to less weird ground you asked, “What next?”  
“Take in a deep breath.” he waited, then tilted the bow up a little, “Aim and when you’re lined up, release.”  
When you let go of the string, the arrow hit the board with a satisfying thwack. It wasn’t on centre, not even close, but at least it hit the target. You couldn’t help the grin on your lips.  
“Again?” His voice had lost all of its its grumpiness.  
You nodded. “Again.”


	7. Chapter 7

After an hour of learning how to be a decent enough shot to finally test out your arrows, and over another hour of almost blowing off Loki’s head each time he caught them, you had enough information to fix the problem. Late evening sun trickled into your lab, glinting off the pristine metal. It made it harder to see what you were doing but you refused to darken the windows. The first time you had done that, it was as if you had been back in that tool shed excuse of a lab and you had practically bolted from the room. You didn’t mind making your job a little harder if it meant that you could see outside and know that you could just get up and go if you wanted.  
But that kind of light meant that you had been in the lab for so long that you had missed supper without realizing it. Your stomach growled in confirmation. The arrowhead in your hand was almost finished so you told yourself the same thing you had repeated all afternoon. Just this last one.  
It didn’t surprise you that you had worked all afternoon, finally glancing at the clock at eight thirty. What was hard to believe that you had spent over two hours with Loki in the archery range. It shouldn’t have surprised you seeing as you spent an hour sparring with him every second day, but you were all the same. And what was even more surprising was that it had actually been…fun.  
A soft knock sounded at the door.  
“Clint, they’re not ready yet. If you tell me you’re only going to be back tomorrow morning, you’re only get to get your precious toys tomorrow morning.”  
“I don’t believe he’s back yet.” Loki answered.  
You whipped your head up, practically dropping the arrowhead. Your heart lurched at the thought of having to start from the beginning with this one, but you managed to steady everything. Loki leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed and his foot crossed over the other. You might have been tense and surprised, but he was relaxed and easy.  
“What are you doing here?”  
“Am I not allowed to be?”  
“No.” You thought about it for a moment then shrugged and got back to your work. “Actually you can as long as you don’t bother me.”  
He huffed a little breath.  
“But seriously, why are you here?”  
“I could hear your stomach growling from across the hall.” He explained.  
You cut one of the wires and tucked it into a small metal pocket with your tweezers. “I know technically that’s not true but I can’t say you’re wrong.”  
“I brought food.”  
You looked up in surprise but managed to keep ahold of your work this time. “You brought food?”  
“That is what I said.”  
“I know. I heard.”  
“Then why did you ask?”  
“Because I don’t believe it.”  
With a deadpan expression, he lifted a pizza box.  
You didn’t know what to say, so for some reason you blurted out, “I can’t eat a whole pizza by myself.”  
He looked down at the box then back at you. “Does that mean you don’t want it or…”  
Your stomach growled in response. “No. I mean yes I do want it.” The arrowhead felt heavy in your hands, “but I can’t actually pick it up so just give me a second.”  
“Don’t rush,” he said walking into the room and placing the box on the far end of the table, “the delivery time was a second so it should still be warm for a while.”  
You smirked despite yourself and watched as he turned to leave. When he was in the doorway a thought occurred to you.  
“Loki?”  
He stopped.  
“Thank you.”  
You heard a another huff of a breath that my have been a chuckle and then he was gone. Your stomach growled again. Just this last arrow and then you’d eat.

Small Town Pennsylvania: About three Years and Five Months Ago

_“When you said we were going on a mission, I wasn’t expecting some no name town in the middle of Pennsylvania…Not that I’m complaining.” You quickly added into the com before Clint could think you were being ungrateful._   
_Somehow you doubted he would think that. The excited grin on your face on the ride here had been kind of hard to miss._   
_But despite how excited you were, you were just as nervous. Steve had deemed you mission ready two weeks ago but didn’t want to send you on anything overly dangerous or exciting for your first one. Raiding a small Hydra base for weapons, and information you weren’t classified highly enough to know, was low enough on the danger list that you were allowed to go._   
_Apparently there was little security and Steve wanted the place blown up once you were done so it was the perfect first mission. You could already feel the high coming on at the thought of blowing something up and leaving destruction in your wake._   
_The road you had been on was surrounded by pine trees, and you had had to walk about a mile off the road just to get close to the base without getting caught. The entire base, surrounded by an electrical fence topped with barb wire, was visible from where you were perched at the top of the hill. From afar, it kind of looked like a prison._   
_Clint came up and crouched beside you, practically giving you a heart attack. Even if you had been expecting him, you were still too jumpy. You needed to get a hold of yourself or you were going to get yourself killed._   
_“How are you feeling?”_   
_You shrugged, “A little nervous.”_   
_“Doesn’t show,” he answered, peering through the trees in a way that reflected his alias. “Your crazy looking grin does a good job at masking it.”_   
_You lips spread further. “I was getting tired of being cooped up all day.”_   
_“I get that. But you know, if you think you need help, let me know right now. I need to know what you’re ready for before our lives are on the line.” There was no judgement in his voice, only business._   
_You knew Clint had a family somewhere and he needed to stay alive for them. This was about more than keeping yourself alive. You had to help keep him alive too. The thought of almost killing Bucky flashed through your mind but you pushed it away just as quickly as it appeared. Being distracted would get you all killed. Well most of you anyways. Dying didn’t seem to take with some._   
_You glanced over at Loki who hadn’t said a word the whole ride here. The tension between him and Clint was palpable but Loki had taken every command with a curt nod. At first you had been surprised that he had been so cooperative but apparently his freedom was tied to his behaviour and you guessed he had decided that being an avenger was better than being in prison._   
_“I’ll be fine but seriously, thank you. And anyways,” you tried to tone down your smile from crazy to reassuring, “I can’t have you losing all your explosive arrows doing my job. It just seems like a waste to me.”_   
_“Yeah well maybe you can think of something that will solve that.” He got up and was about to take off but thought the better of it for a second, “(y/n), get ready. It’s almost time.”_   
_You nodded and felt the grin tugging at your lips again. Clint was going to think you were crazy._   
_Loki pushed off the tree to follow and paused beside you._   
_It was barely long enough for you to hear the words, “don’t mess up” before he was walking again, steps away from Clint._   
_You fingered one of your smaller explosives but knew you couldn’t direct it at Loki. You couldn’t jeopardize the mission, and you knew deep down that you didn’t actually want to kill him. You were on edge right now, that was all. But one day he’d get a taste of his own medicine. Beating him while sparring would be your revenge for all of his quips. You could taste the victory. You knew you were strong enough to do it._   
_Settling in, you waited for the signal. Your part didn’t come in until the end of the mission and it would be a long wait. Something Clint had said rung through your mind. Maybe you could fix his little arrow problem._

You tinkered with the explosive in the arrowhead the next morning, thoughts stuck on yesterday - on the god of mischief in particular. Distractedness and explosives weren’t a good combination so you scolded yourself every time your mind wandered. But for some reason, it was harder than you would have guessed. At least you were only dealing with minor touches right now.  
“Well, well, how’s my favourite bomb expert?”  
“I thought we went over this Clint,” you kept your gaze on the tip in your hands, trying to suppress a smile, “I can’t be your favourite if I’m the only one you know.”  
“It doesn’t change the fact that you’re still my favourite.” he said, walking into the lab.  
“I’m just finishing the last of your fancy new arrows.”  
“I’m ready to see what you’ve got.”  
You didn’t bother to look up. “I tested them out yesterday and hit a couple speed bumps but I’m pretty sure I fixed them so all I need now is your stamp of approval and then they’ll be mission ready.”  
“That’s great (y/n). But speaking of missions, why aren’t you on one?”  
“Sick.” You replied, welding the arrowhead to the shaft.  
“Bummer. So which one is this?” He held the arrow between his thumb and fore finger balancing it up and down so that it looked malleable.  
“Stun. The ones over there,” you nodded to your right, “are the explosive ones. They’re marked with different coloured tapes but I figured you’d let me know how exactly you wanted them identified. I also grabbed one of your old bows and added a detonator.”  
He put down the arrow and found his old bow, looking at it like an old friend. Running his fingers over the front part, he found the detonator and pretended to press it. He had learned the hard way never again to press a button without permission.  
He nodded slowly, seeming pleased. “How’d you know where to put it?”  
You grinned. “I guessed.”  
“See, (y/l/n) this is why you’re my favourite.”  
“Want to go test them out?”  
His grin widened so that he looked like a child on Christmas morning.  
Before you could get up a large bang resounded through the compound and laughter filled the air. Suddenly you realized just how quiet the place had been, as orders were being barked - from the sound of it, Maria’s - and the usual post mission bustle filled the air.  
“Looks like our friends are home.” Clint’s smile only grew. “Want to go say hello first?”

 

Small Town Pennsylvania: About three Years and Five Months Ago Cont.

_You hurried through the building, dropping your explosives in the areas that would cause the most damage. The blueprints they had given you the day before were old and outdated but you had brought enough extra explosives to make up for any miscalculation. You only had two smaller explosives left - small balls that were meant to cause a chain reaction rather than cause a large amount of damage._   
_Glancing down at your watch, you picked up the pace. The bombs weren’t set up on timers because you didn’t want to blow up any members of your own team, but you still had a time frame to stick to. You weren’t going to be late on your first mission._   
_Your adrenaline rose higher and higher the closer you got to escaping the building. That explosion, that high, was coming and you couldn’t wait to set it off, especially knowing that what you were doing was now for a good cause._   
_After turning the last corner into the small hangar that lead to your rendezvous point outside, you spotted a lone guard. His gun was out and he crept along the edge of the wall, looking for someone to riddle with bullets. You stopped and held your breath, afraid to make a sound. You tried to quash the panic bubbling in your throat but you weren’t doing a very good job. How could you think you were ready for a mission when you only had a month’s training? You were going to get yourself killed. What the hell had you been thinking?_   
_With a deep breath, you took in your surroundings. Think, you told yourself, think. He had a gun. You had a gun too but odds were that he was a better shot. Although the space was open, there were enough crates strewn across the hangar that you could make it to the opposite side from where he was, and maybe even pass without being seen. The runway on the other end, the trees and the grey sky taunted you from the other side. Getting by on a maybe didn’t guarantee getting out alive and you needed to get out of here._   
_You glanced down at your watch and realized that you weren’t as empty handed as you had thought - literally. The guard was now about ten feet further away. You took in a deep breath and whispered the words that had gotten you through the month of intense training. The words that had gotten you mission ready. I am strong, I am smart and I can do this._   
_You sent your first explosive rolling across the hangar, toward the place where he had first been when you had entered. The sound made him turn as you scurried across the other end, ducking behind crates for cover. Your footsteps weren’t nearly as silent as the Black Widow’s but it was good enough to get you halfway out._   
_When the guard kept walking you tossed your last bomb and watched it roll into position. He glanced back but wasn’t as wary this time. It wasn’t like anything had exploded, and he had a target, you realized, seeing Clint and Loki under the shadows of a large tree._   
_The guard just needed to get into range to shoot._   
_You picked up the pace, caring less about how silent you were. You had a plan. You didn’t know how good of a plan it was but you’d stick to it anyways if it meant keeping those two idiots alive. All you had to do was get far enough not to blow yourself up in the process._   
_The meet up point was off to the right but so was the guard so you kept left. Clint seemed to be arguing about something, his hands waving as he talked to Loki, but you didn’t risk alerting them through the com._   
_The guard lifted his gun and took aim._   
_You panicked._   
_You weren’t quite far enough yet but he was going to shoot._   
_“Hey! Asshole!”_   
_The three of them turned to face you, the guard’s gun now trained on his new target. Before he could squeeze the trigger, a blast from inside the compound went off. His moment of hesitation gave you the second you needed to get out of the blast zone when the smaller ones went off. Although smaller, the impact of the blast was strong enough to send the guard flying through the air. You could feel the heat of the blast and the wind felt like it was trying to throw you off balance but you were far enough away that you kept strong and steady, striding across the ground towards the unconscious body._   
_You bent down, grabbed him by the collar, and dragged his heavy body along the pavement. Debris and smoke filled the air and you could still feel the heat of the blast. All you wanted to do was smile, but your teammates stared at you wide-eyed so you kept your adrenaline in check and masked the high from your face._   
_Flames were still coming out of the building but you knew it wouldn’t last long. You had calculated for large destruction but a short burn period. The nearest fire department wouldn’t have any trouble putting it out, despite how small town this was._   
_You let go of the guard’s collar, dumping him onto the ground in front of Clint. “I don’t kill people, but whatever you guys do with him is your business.”_   
_Your heart was at a thousand beats a minute and everything inside you shook, but in a good way. Maybe you were made for this after all._   
_Clint looked at you with a proud expression on his face and you, only slightly, gave into the smile you had been hiding so that you wouldn’t look too crazy._   
_Loki had a look on his face that you had never seen before. It was hard to tell what it was. It could have been a countless number of emotions but for all you knew, he could have just been bored. A part of you wanted to say that he was stunned and impressed, but that was probably wishful thinking._   
_Either way, when you walked passed him you couldn’t help but whisper, “I forgot to mention earlier, I don’t mess up.”_


	8. Chapter 8

The only word to describe what you saw was chaotic and yet, there was no where else you wanted to be more. Steve nodded when he saw you and Clint walk in, and you could tell the mission had gone well from the slight smile on his face and the nonstop chatter coming from Peter. Everyone’s excitement only made you wish that much more that you hadn’t been sick.  
Nat wove the through chaos and put a hand on your shoulder, “How are you feeling?”  
“Much better.” You nodded and straightened as if to prove your point.  
“Good. You were out cold when we left. I tried to wake you but it almost looked like you were dead.”  
“Yeah, I have no clue what happened.” You could feel your cheeks heat. “But I’m ready to go now.”  
The door opened and Loki walked in and you opened your mouth to ask if he was feeling after being shot at the day before but he blew past as if you weren’t even there. You closed your mouth and watched him walk into the adjacent room.  
“How was it?” Nat asked.  
“How was what?” You tore your gaze away from where he had been, confused as to why he hadn’t even so much as nodded a greeting.  
“Being sick for the past couple of days. It must have been quite dull.”  
You shrugged. “Not great but at least I squeezed in some training and finished Clint’s arrows, right?”  
“That’s true. And you did have your sparring partner here with you - not that you really had anyone to talk to, even with him around.”  
You were about to correct her but stopped. The thought of Loki in the other room, not even acting like you existed made you think twice about defending him. Maybe he was just shy around the other avengers but somehow you doubted it. He could keep that dangerous and mischievous reputation and still behave like a decent human being - even if he wasn’t technically one. You thought the two of you had just gotten past the cold shoulder behaviour.  
You forced a laugh, “Let’s just say that I’m glad you guys are back.”  
“We did try and take you with us (y/l/n).” Sam pointed out.  
“Thankfully, you guys can survive without me.” You pushed the words out no matter how much it hated you to say them.  
You were only an asset here, nothing essential. They could leave without you and still come back victorious with grins on their faces. Although you would never wish anything other than that, it was hard not to worry about losing your place here knowing that missions like these could happen even if you were on the sidelines.  
Nat smiled. “True but it was much more boring without you (y/n).”  
“Yeah,” Sam agreed, “we missed that crazy grin of yours.”  
You laughed despite how embarrassed it made you. No matter how hard you tried to hide it, it seemed like your crazy always managed to make an appearance. But they had accepted your crazy with open arms and you could never be more grateful.

_“How about we start with one knife?” Loki offered, keeping a safe distance away._   
_After having punched him in the face just the week before - and having broken his nose - you hadn’t dared touch another knife. Just the sight of them made your gut clench and made you feel like you were going to throw up._   
_“I’d rather just fight with my fists.” You forced your stare away from the terrifying metal blades. “And anyways what does it change for you? Why are you trying to change things up?”_   
_A strange look clouded his face but it was replace with exasperation so quickly you were sure you had imagined it. “Nothing. Other than the fact that I’m completely bored.”_   
_You crossed your arms. “Then why don’t you find another sparing partner.”_   
_“Trust me,” he mirrored your gesture. “I would if there were any others.”_   
_“Get used to not fighting with those… things of yours then.” You nodded to his daggers._   
_“One of them is yours.” He extended his hand, the short metal forged into a dark hilt with amber swirls decorating its base._   
_As pretty as it was, you knew how lethal it could be - kind of like the Asgardian holding it. Still, you didn’t want it._   
_You shook your head._   
_He twirled the dagger so that he held the blade, in what he probably assumed was a less intimidating gesture. “It’s going to make this fight much easier for me if you don’t take it.”_   
_“I can manage.”_   
_“Like you did in Budapest?” He flipped the dagger again so that the hilt was in his hand._   
_You grit your teeth._   
_“I saw the stab wound.” he ground out. “Looks like you managed perfectly well then.”_   
_“I’m not dead.” It was a weak argument but it was all you had._   
_“By sheer luck alone.” He whispered._   
_You clenched your fists and tried to regulate your breathing. As much as you hated him for saying it, he was right. But you couldn’t seem to admit it to him though._   
_He sighed. “Why don’t you indulge me. Make this a little less boring.”_   
_You sighed. If Thor had told you anything about his brother, it was that he got to be a pain in the ass when he was bored, and he was already a pain when he wasn’t._   
_You told yourself that was the reason you said, “Fine.”_   
_“Fine.”_   
_“But only one knife.” You blurted out._   
_He nodded and flipped the dagger again. “Only one.”_

Yesterday had been weird but you wondered once again if maybe it was because the rest of the team had come back. Loki had never really been a part of the avengers, really only being accepted because Thor was his brother, so you figured that maybe he hadn’t been ignoring you specifically but just the whole team in general. You told yourself that it didn’t bother you. That yesterday you had gotten annoyed because you hadn’t gotten enough sleep.  
Things were getting back to normal and that’s what you wanted right? Still, you couldn’t help but think that what you had said was kind of uncalled for. Sure you had wanted the team back, but you hadn’t found yourself missing them as much as you had thought you would. You figured you could always just apologize before sparring. After all, if everything was getting back to normal then you’d be sparring with him in five minutes.  
The hall was pretty empty, most of the team opting out for a rest day. Steve was in the corner with Bucky and it was hard not to stare at the incredible fight going on. Everything about the two of them was so in sync that it almost looked like a choreographed dance. It seemed that super soldiers didn’t need to take the day off. The thought reassured you. If they felt the need to keep training then it was only natural that you hadn’t slacked off despite your cold.  
Ten minutes later, Loki was no where in sight. You picked up your watch to see if you hadn’t looked at the time right. Every time, without fail, Loki had been waiting for you when you walked into the hall. When you entered, your eyes always scanned the room, hoping he wouldn’t be there but to your dismay he always was. Except today. You began to stretch, for some reason, not wanting to find another partner just yet.  
What were you doing? This was the opportunity you had been waiting for ever since Thor paired you up with his brother. For the first time, you could find yourself another sparring partner, and yet here you were, taking your time as if you were waiting for him. Were you actually waiting for him to walk in? You told yourself that you were just confused because you had gotten into the habit of always sparring with him. It couldn’t be because you had actually begun to enjoy his company. Could it?  
The doors opened and your head snapped up but it was only a couple of cadets. You sighed. All you had to do now was find a new partner. It was that easy. You could walk up to anyone and ask. But before you could get out of your stretch, Loki burst through the doors, the scowl on his face was visible the moment he stepped in. He strode towards you, cutting a path through the others through sheer grumpiness alone. When he reached you he didn’t say a thing, instead manifested his knives and backed into a fighting stance. You tried to meet his gaze but it glossed over you as if you were nothing more than a practice dummy. Fine, you thought, we’ll just go back to the way it was then.  
You grabbed your own knives and readied your stance. You could feel your breathing pick up, and suddenly, more than anything you wanted to win. You wanted to wipe that bored look off his face because, even if it had only been a couple of days, you had forgotten what it was like to be on the receiving end of that cold stare. Actually, this wasn’t even the look you were used to getting from him. There was nothing behind this one. You wanted some emotion, something, something that would let you know you weren’t crazy to have thought that maybe the two of you could be friends - a crack in his armour.  
You hadn’t realize just how much it bothered you to be looked at by him with such indifference as you swung your knife viciously. The fact that it bothered you, riled you up even further. You dodged one of his hits and countered it, picking up the pace with your growing anger. He was nothing to you and you were nothing to him. You weren’t even friends. You rolled to the side, getting to your feet barely in time to avoid his blade. He wasn’t holding back. Somehow you manage to kick him in the chest and he stumbled. When his eyes snapped up to meet yours, they were practically glowing.  
“I didn’t realize you were still sick.” He sneered. “I though you’d push a little harder now that you were better.”  
You tightened your grip around the hilt but didn’t say anything. You swung at him. That would have to be answer enough. He blocked it but his eyes widened in surprise at the strength behind the hit. His reaction drove you forward and you quickened your hits, showing no mercy for the god who had been ignoring you. You had no idea why you were so angry but you used it to your advantage until finally you managed to hook a foot around his leg and sent him toppling to the ground.  
Straddling him, with your knees pinning down his arms on either side of his body, you held a knife to his throat. Both of you were panting hard but you managed to puff out, “I win.”  
To your surprise he didn’t look disappointed, but rather amused. There was something else in the look in his eyes but you couldn’t name it. The corner of his mouth lifted, terrifying you. Had you actually won? That kind of smile had to mean he was holding a knife to you somewhere else but when you looked down you saw nothing.  
“Yes (y/n). Despite the look of disbelief on your face, you actually won.”  
You felt your anger begin to fade. You won. You really did. You felt so giddy you almost wanted to laugh. Starring down at him, you noticed his smile grow, only slightly. His eyes were alight and you wondered if, maybe, they mirrored yours.  
“Nice fighting (y/l/n).” Steve’s voice cut through the air and your staring contest.  
You looked over your shoulder, “Thanks Steve.”  
When you looked back, Loki’s face was a blank mask. You shoved off of him, none to gently, your anger returning.  
Fine. If he was going to pretend that the last couple days didn’t happen then you would too. It wasn’t like it meant or changed anything anyways.


	9. Chapter 9

Loki sat across from you in the Quinjet, staring off into the distance. You hadn’t heard a word come out of his mouth in the last two days, and that hadn’t changed when Steve had told you yesterday that you were both needed on a mission. Even when you had followed Loki onto the jet this morning, he hadn’t said a word. It didn’t matter. You hadn’t paid him any more attention than he paid you. Whatever happened last week had been a fluke. Everything was finally getting back to normal, and you were happy about it. Or at least, that’s what you told yourself.  
“You seem nervous. Is everything alright?”  
You glanced over at Wanda, her kind eyes searching your face for something wrong. She had never ceased to amaze you. Never in your life had you seen someone so purely kind yet so truly powerful and terrifying. You were glad she was here. You had convinced everyone except for yourself that you were mission ready again and it was nice to have someone so trustworthy at your back in case you weren’t.  
“A little.” You confided. “I know I was only out for a couple days but it feels like forever since I’ve been on a mission.”  
She gave a little shrug, “Your worry is what reassures me that you take this seriously enough to know when you should and should not be in the field. And I’m not worried about you. I’ve seen you deal with explosives much more complicated than what you need to do today.”  
You smiled, your heart warmed by her words. “Speaking of, I was thinking of making something that can only be detonated using your energy. They’d be perfect for missions that I’m not on and that way they can’t be used against us.”  
“What would you need from me?” Her voice quivered slightly.  
You knew how much she hated the labs, and understandably so, which is why you took her hand and squeezed it. “I just need you to show me what you can do. Nothing more.”  
“Are you sure?”  
You nodded and squeezed a little harder, “More than sure. And if that’s too much, then I’ll work with whatever you’re comfortable with. Trust me, it’s just an idea and there’s no pressure to get it done.”  
“I’m glad you decided to stay.” She said.  
You nodded, shooting her a small smile.  
It had been hard the first couple of days at the compound, but you were glad you hadn’t given up. You wouldn’t have found the family that surrounded you now if you had. When your eyes found Loki, he still wasn’t looking at you. But he would have to soon. Both of you knew the drill. You had been doing practically the same thing on every mission you both had gone on together since Budapest. Apart from sparring, it was the only other time you worked together so well.

Budapest: A Year and a Half Ago

_You looked around the shoddy room, still surprised by all the faces surrounding you. It didn’t matter how many missions you went on, every couple of missions you’d be hit with a sense awe and disbelief. You were a part of S.H.I.E.L.D. and it seemed that fact still managed to take you by surprise every now and then._   
_The abandoned apartment Steve decided to use as the base location was dark and humid and you pulled on the sleeves of your combat suit, trying to keep the heat in. It may have been cloudy and windy outside, but you couldn’t wait to leave the apartment - the humidity in here chilled you to your bones. It almost made you feel like something bad was about to happen and that was a sensation you were dying to escape._   
_“Our timeline’s been moved up so we need to move fast, strong and efficiently. Stay alert team. (y/n),” Your attention snapped to Steve. “We’re going to need a diversion on Jane Haining now instead of Belgrad.”_   
_“How big?”_   
_“Big enough to destroy anything we’ve left behind.” Steve answered like he was expecting the question. “But make sure its solely limited to that building.”_   
_“When do I detonate it?” You were all business, the excitement of a new job seeping in._   
_He turned toward Nat, “Can you get the job done in fifteen?”_   
_She grinned, “You must be getting old Cap if you think it’s going to take us that long.”_   
_When Steve looked back at you, his eyes were alight. “Ten minutes.”_   
_You nodded. “And the second explosion?”_   
_“Just get us enough time to get to the jet. Make a statement, but I don’t want anyone getting hurt.”_   
_“So another twenty minutes old man?” Nat quipped._   
_Before Steve could roll his eyes, you spoke up. “It’s fine. I got this. I can detonate the first explosion from the initial location but I’ll have to move for the second.”_   
_Loki twitched in the corner but didn’t say a word. It was easy to forget when he was on the mission too. He never said much, only nodded when Steve would warn him to stay in line, and did his job quickly and efficiently._   
_Steve brought Loki to Budapest for his illusions, useful for when breaking into the enemy lab. Although you could fine-tune your explosions to be more discreet, his illusions had much more finesse, and Loki’s talents were more useful when your explosions couldn’t have the element of surprise on the way out seeing as you had used them on the way in. Oddly enough, you and Loki were most useful when together._   
_“All right. Let’s move out. (y/n), Loki, get coordinated. Everyone else, lets move.”_   
_Loki slid a glance your way, not moving from his lazy position leaning up against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. This was the first mission that you’d have to be so closely coordinated and, although Steve had talked you through it multiple times, this was the first mission Loki would practically exhaust his magic. Meaning that, if you didn’t time your explosions perfectly, more than just the mission was at stake._   
_It didn’t look like he was going to say anything so you spoke up first, knowing you had to get this done as quickly as possible if you wanted everything to run as smoothly as possible. You weren’t going to risk anyone’s lives because he had an attitude. “How long are you going to hold the illusions for?”_   
_He shrugged. “I’m not quite sure yet.”_   
_You wanted to shake him. His nonchalance and disconcert for everyone else’s lives infuriated you to an unbelievable point but you couldn’t let yourself get riled up. The higher your emotions ran the greater the chance that you messed up. And you knew that an essential member of the team didn’t mess up. You scolded yourself. You were so focused on trying to make sure you stayed a part of this team - this family - that you weren’t focusing on what you were really doing here and the lives that were at risk. Because ultimately, you knew that you’d give up your spot here if it meant keeping any of them safe. You owed them that much for having gotten you out._   
_You took in a long breath to mask the bite in your words, “How the hell am I supposed to know when to detonate then.”_   
_Hearing your voice, you realized you didn’t do as good of a job as you thought you had._   
_He sighed, pushed off the wall and signalled for you to follow him. You followed but another image of Loki walked off in the same direction cap had gone off in. It wasn’t easy knowing if you were actually following the real Loki or not but his shimmery quality as soon as you stepped outside made you realize that you weren’t actually following your sparring partner._   
_Irritation made way for curiosity as the scientific part of your brain went into overdrive trying to decipher the illusion you had only ever been this close to in the middle of a sparring session. You almost asked him if he could come into your lab so that you could study his illusions to see if there was any way you could somehow work it into a new breed of explosives but you didn’t. The thought of the two of you alone in your lab, working late into the night filled your stomach with butterflies. And the fact that you couldn’t tell if they were good or bad made you keep your mouth shut._   
_After a couple minutes of following him through the streets you realized you were at the location you had scouted to detonate the first explosion._   
_“As soon as the image flickers, you need to set of the explosion.” Loki’s voice came through the coms, the mouth on the image remaining shut. “Understand?”_   
_You squinted your eyes, never having seen his illusions this close. Hearing him, without seeing his mouth move, yet knowing he was speaking to you, made you a little dizzy so you reminded yourself that technology was the only reason you could hear him._   
_“Do you understand? He repeated._   
_“Yeah, it’s fine.”_   
_“Fine.” His image looked so annoyed you wondered if it was his natural state. “Remember, your life is on the line as much anyone else’s if you mess this up.”_   
_“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” You crossed your arms, “prick.”_   
_The image went still and you realized that Loki was focused elsewhere. Maybe he hadn’t heard you. You wouldn’t be disappointed if he had. Watching the image attentively, you waited until it began to flicker after about ten minutes, and you knew it was almost time. The moment it winked out you triggered the explosive and the ground shook beneath you. Screaming filled the air and you knew that, in moments, sirens would soon follow. The explosion would have made you smile if you had been sure that no one had been hurt._   
_You were already on the move, as you followed the crowd away from the explosion and closer to your second location. The flames from the building could be seen from where you were, not far off from the Danube._   
_Now that the mission had been changed, you had no more than ten minutes to get half a mile away, which wouldn’t have been a problem if there hadn’t been a completely sketchy man looking right at you. You kept up a quick pace, playing the panicked pedestrian, but you were all too aware that the man wasn’t a regular person . He was clearly following you. And he was gaining ground. Shit. You picked up the pace and turned the corner, changing up your rout at the last minute._   
_When you looked down the alley behind you, you saw nothing. You almost sighed with relief until you ran onto the main street and practically into the man. What was even worse was that he now held a large knife. Widening your stance, you lifted your fists and ignored your pounding heart. You had practiced hand to hand combat almost every single day since arriving at the compound. Steve wouldn’t have deemed you mission ready if you couldn’t do this. Somehow, as he came slashing at you with the shinny blade, the words didn’t comfort you._

 

Coordinating the mission with Loki had felt weird but not enough so that it hadn’t still felt like second nature. After so many missions, his image now followed you around, staying close to you as you made your way to the areas you had chosen to detonate the explosives.  
Apart from the Budapest mission, you had never spoken to Loki once you had parted ways. Staring at his image, you wondered if he could actually hear or see anything on this side. Although you had decided that first day that he couldn’t, the way the image looked at you right now made you think otherwise. His arms were crossed and brows furrowed as if wrestling with something completely unpleasant. You wanted to talk to him, ask him what changed, but you couldn’t. No matter how much you wanted to, you couldn’t bring something like that up in the middle of a mission. You couldn’t risk putting anyone in danger with your petty feelings. You didn’t even know why you felt hurt anyways. You and Loki had always been work colleagues and nothing more, even before you got sick…right?  
He began to fade but just before he winked out from sight you noticed two armed guards running across a rooftop, outside of the blast zone, and swore. Had they been a couple dozen feet further back they would’ve been hit by the distraction explosive you were about to set off but now, the rest of the team would think it was clear and would walk right into two machine guns. You couldn’t set them off now.  
Instinctively you went to warn them through the coms but all you got was static. Shit. They had to be jamming the frequency.  
You looked around, desperately trying to find another way to get the rest of your team home safely. You could do this, you told yourself, just think. With only one small, timed explosive, you couldn’t do much. You could fire at them but your accuracy at this far a distance wasn’t reliable enough. But you didn’t need to do much, all you needed to do was create a diversion long enough for the team to get out and then you’d be fine. You’d all be fine. Everyone would come home safe and sound.  
Budapest flashed through your mind. You had gotten the job done despite the stab wound and you could do the same here. As you watched them pause at the edge of the adjacent building you realized that throwing your bomb at the base of their building would be enough to shake them off balance and maybe even cause them to drop their weapons. You were aware that if you missed your target, you’d give away your position and they’d shoot at you. You wouldn’t miss. Even if you did, at least you’d be the distraction Bucky needed to get the rest of the team out the door. You needed to do something. You needed to do something now. Because ultimately, you knew you’d give up everything if it meant keeping any of them safe. You loved your family too much to think that there was anything you wouldn’t do for them.  
You took in a deep breath, ran out of your hiding spot and threw it as hard as you could. You watched as it sailed through the air, realizing too late that it wasn’t going to hit the target. When the blast hit, the guards turned, immediately spotting you. This was it, you thought, rooted to the spot in fear, this was where everything ended. This was how you died.  
You braced for the impact, only to get rammed from the side and thrown onto the ground. Your head resonated and everything spun. It felt as if you couldn’t breath, the weight on your chest sending the world black.  
Suddenly the weight lifted and the air came rushing back, your eyes closing in relief. Somehow, you weren’t dead. You were alive. How were you alive? Cracking an eye open, you found Loki sprawled on top of you and you let out a breath of relief, despite your aching body and the throbbing in your head. You cracked a smile, surprised by the fact that you really weren’t dead.  
“What the hell were you thinking?” Loki growled.  
Really looking at him, you realized the only thing you could see in those green eyes was fury. He may have saved you, but the look in his eyes made you wonder if it wasn’t so that he could kill you himself.


	10. Chapter 10

What the hell were you thinking. What the hell were you _thinking_? How could he even ask you that? You did what you had to do. What you had done had probably given the rest of the team enough time to get out safely. And if not that, then at least out alive. Then why was he angry?  
“If you must know, I was thinking I needed to make sure they made it out alive.”  
He pushed off, still fuming. “At what cost?”  
“It didn’t matter.”  
He spun around, his fingers raking through his hair as he looked up at the sky.  
“I don’t understand why you’re so angry.” You pulled yourself off the ground, your body aching in protest. Sure you hurt right now, but being tackled was much better than being dead. “No one is dead. Now we have to move. We still have to finish this mission.”  
“No one was hurt this time.” He growled.  
You whirled around, infuriated. Did he really think you weren’t smart enough to realize that what you had done had been reckless. Sure it was. But it had paid off. Maybe it had been in part thanks to him, but it didn’t mean he could scold you like a child.  
“I did what was necessary.” You could hear your voice rising. “And I’d do it over again if I had to.”  
“Do you not realize how easily you can die? Did Budapest teach you nothing?”  
The words shook you to your core. Of course you realized it. But you had been working your hardest to make sure no one else did. Your breathing picked up and you clenched your fists in a poor attempt to keep calm.  
“I’ll be fine.” You ground out.  
He was practically shouting now, as if you couldn’t hear the words he was truly trying to say. “Why do you have to put yourself at risk like that?”  
You stood there and glared at him, refusing to say a word, seething.  
When he realized you weren’t going to answer him he pushed further, stepping close so that you were chest to chest. “Why are you so ready to get yourself killed?”  
“You have no clue do you…Of course you don’t know. They’re not going to replace you!” you shouted, your hands flat on his chest as you pushed him back. “You’re a god. They need you. They’ll always need you, no matter what they think you are. What am I? I’m just a person who happens to have a knack with explosives. I’m replaceable.”  
“And you think killing yourself is the way to prove how essential you are?” he growled. “Are you so afraid of failure that you’d rather sacrifice your life first?”  
You jutted your chin up and through gritted teeth said, “I’m only doing what I have to.”  
“No. You’re afraid. I know that (y/n). You’re terrified.” He ran his fingers through his hair, nostrils flaring. “What are you so afraid of?”  
The words rang through your head over and over, and you squeezed your eyes shut in an attempt to shut it out.  
“You can’t keep doing this.” He finally whispered. “I - the team can’t keep wondering if you’re not going to come home from a mission because you think you have something to prove. Whatever you’re afraid of…I…you need to get passed it.”  
You knew what you were afraid of. You woke up everyday thinking it, and went to bed reminding yourself that you couldn’t slip up because of it. The weight of his question pressed on you until it felt like you couldn’t breath.  
“What do you want me to say?” You finally hissed.  
He approached, though much more cautiously this time. “Tell me the truth.”  
You had no idea what he was playing at. Did he enjoy making you expose your fears and insecurities. Was he being cruel just because he could? Deep down you knew that wasn’t true but the thought of voicing your insecurities terrified you to the point that you needed to lash out at someone.  
You put your hands on his chest, about to push him back again. “Why should I tell you?”  
He wrapped his hands around your wrists to stop you from pushing him away. “Why shouldn’t you?” He held your gaze, green eyes flashing until finally you broke.  
“Fine Loki, you win. I’m afraid.”You could hear the defeat in your voice but you couldn’t control it. He wanted the truth, he was going to get it. “The truth is I’m terrified of being a liability. I’m afraid that one day they’ll notice that they’ve made some sort of mistake and that I don’t belong here. I’m afraid that if I’m not prepared enough, I’ll accidentally kill someone I care about.” Your voice choked on the last words but you weren’t finished. You realized you needed to get it all out. “I almost killed Bucky the day they recruited me. I was…I was going down a road I never want to go down. I can’t…I can’t give them a reason to take away the one place I don’t ever want to leave. I can’t remind them that they took a chance on someone. I can’t make them regret their decision.”  
He stood there, dumbfounded, browns furrowed as if in intense thought.  
You scoffed. Of course he couldn’t understand.  
You didn’t wait to hear what he had to say. You pushed past him before he could see the tears spill over.  
“(y/n). Wait, stop! Please…”  
His voice broke your heart even further but you couldn’t let him see how close you were to falling apart. You didn’t want him coming after you, so you said the one thing that would remind him that you weren’t worth the trouble of coming after.  
“What? It’s not like you even care.” Your knees buckled but you somehow managed to keep upright as you stumbled down the street.  
You had done your part. Now you needed to get back to the meeting point. And you needed to get a grip and fast. They couldn’t see the tears. They couldn’t see your weakness.

The Day After Budapest: Loki’s Perspective

_“What happened?” Loki growled, eye to eye with the Captain. “(y/n) shouldn’t have even seen a hostile force. How the hell did they get stabbed?”_   
_The Captain didn’t back down. Unfortunately, he had never withered under Loki’s gaze and wasn’t about to start now, no matter how furious Loki was._   
_“(y/l/n) got intercepted on their way to detonate the explosions. It happens. That’s why we all train, so that we’re prepared when we step onto the field.”_   
_“Well they got stabbed. Did you train (y/n) to take the pain? Because you surely didn’t train them enough to get out of a bad situation, and that was one man. What happens if it’s something worse next time?”_   
_“For your information Loki, (y/l/n) handled it despite the wound and finished the mission. You can’t train something like that. This injury, despite how unfortunate it was, only reassured me that I made the right call in bringing them onto the team. I’m pretty sure it did the same for them.”_   
_“How has it taken you this long be reassured?” he demanded incredulously. “How hasn’t anything they have done here before now made you realize that they belong? Are you so blind that they had to get stabbed for you to see their talent and dedication?”_   
_“They’ve only been here six months.”_   
_Loki was about to bark at him again but the Captain silenced Loki with a pointed look. “The only person to blame for what happened to (y/l/n) is the man who stabbed them. Everything that prepares them for missions is done here - especially with those they train with - and if you think there’s a problem with their training, take it up with those people.”_   
_The words felt like a blow to the chest. Loki’s first instinct was to conjure his blades and lash out at the Captain but he clenched his fist and remained rooted to the ground. By staying at the compound and by keeping good behaviour, he was essentially granted freedom. Whether he liked it or not, no one was willing to forget some of the more horrendous things he had done in the past, and his behaviour here was a way to move past it._   
_Normally, he wouldn’t have cared and would have pushed back. But for the past year he had actually begun to like it at the compound - not that he would ever admit that out loud. He wasn’t about to let the Captain’s self righteous words get in the way of that._   
_Every forced inhale and exhale slowly calmed him until he could think past the fury and some other feeling that left his chest feeling like a rock was crushing it. Loki had seen footage from a nearby security cam that had showed him what had happened. (y/n) had held their ground longer than expected for someone who had never fought against blades. But that was the problem. Their training had been solely focused on hand to hand and nothing else. It was only because of all that training that they hadn’t gotten stabbed and thrown into that river._   
_(y/n)’s training had kept them alive but Loki knew that wasn’t good enough. Something would have to change._   
_“You’re here because your brother believes you’re a changed man.” The Captain looked like he was about to walk off and leave it at that but decided against it. “If he’s right, then you should know what to do.”_   
_Loki wanted to wipe that condescending righteousness from his face but stayed rooted to the spot as he watched him leave. Two doors down he could hear the steady beeping of the machines in (y/n)’s room, the sound letting him know that at least this time, everything was all right._   
_“Fragile mortals.” He grumbled even if deep down he knew that by having done what they did (y/n) was anything but._   
_As he walked towards their room he considered no longer sparring with them. Maybe some other partner - any other partner - would have prepared them enough to avoid getting hurt. The only problem was that he didn’t trust anyone else to do the job._   
_He stopped in the empty doorway, refusing to go in when he saw Wanda holding hands with (y/n)._   
_She looked up, sensing his arrival. “(y/n) is asleep but you can come in if you would like.”_   
_There was no hostility in her voice but Loki knew he couldn’t stay. He doubted (y/n) would appreciate it if he was there when they woke. And although he would make sure he made (y/n) one of the best fighters in the compound, that was all they were to each other; sparring partners._   
_“There’s nothing I can do waiting here.”_   
_He walked off but promised himself that he would make sure that they didn’t die. Loki had no idea why he felt compelled to decide such a thing, but didn’t think too hard about it. He figured it was most likely because he was bored and needed a challenge. Keeping a human alive seemed as good a challenge as any._

You wiped your eyes furiously and kept up the pace as you ran toward the rendezvous point. When you had looked up about a block back you had seen Bucky and the rest of his unit on the rooftops, and thankfully, nobody seemed harmed. The coms were still down so you had no idea if you could detonate the explosive yet. You stopped running. If you kept heading toward the point then you’d be out of range. You were thankful you always used short range detonators because, if they could block the com system they could easily interfere with a long range detonation system, but that meant you had to stay in range if you wanted to destroy what you had been sent here to destroy.  
If you hadn’t walked away from Loki he could have done his illusion thingy and let you know when you could detonate, but you had. You had exploded and left without a second look back. And if there was anything you knew about the consequences of an explosion, it was that once it was done, you could never put it back the way it was before.  
You wiped your eyes again, realizing that tears of frustration were now streaming down your face. Think, you scolded yourself, this wasn’t the time to get emotional. When your mind came up with nothing, you wanted to scream.  
“This would be so much easier if you were here.” You growled, angry with Loki even if you were the one who had walked away.  
“Then what do you suggest we do?”  
You whirled at the sound of his voice and didn’t know if you wanted to hug him or slap him. “Have you been here the whole time?”  
“I’m not actually here at all,” His face was a portrait of sass, “so before you get arrested or shot at again, I would suggest you tell me what you need.”  
“I need you to make sure the building is clear of our people and civilians before I can detonate the explosives.” Your voice was clear and decisive, your earlier panic vanishing with his presence.  
He cocked his head. “Anything else?”  
“Yes, do it fast.” You were already turning around, ready to get as close to the rendezvous point while remaining in range. “We still have time to make it to the Quinjet on schedule.”  
“(y/n).”  
You looked over your shoulder. “Yeah?”  
“Don’t die.”  
“Only if you do the same.”  
“Fine.” He smirked.  
Despite everything, you felt the corner of your mouth lift. “Fine.”


	11. Chapter 11

You hadn’t gone down to the sparring hall in three days. Your body was itching to move but you couldn’t bring yourself to face Loki. Not after what had happened on the mission. Not since then.  
You kept seeing the fury in his eyes after you had recklessly put your life on the line and you couldn’t seem to get it out of your mind. It didn’t matter that both of you had managed to put your emotions aside to finish the mission, you were haunted by the look in his eyes every time you closed yours.  
Why had he been so furious? Every time you had asked yourself the question, the only answer you could come up with was that he actually cared whether you lived or died. But that made no sense. All he had ever shown you was indifference. Right? But the more you thought about it, the less certain you became about your interactions with Loki. It wasn’t only his behaviour in the last two weeks that you were starting to rethink, but every moment you had spent together, especially from the moment you got stabbed in Budapest.  
You shook your head. Loki cared for nobody but himself. That’s what everyone had always said. That’s what you had chosen to believe when you had first seen him at the compound. But ‘chosen’ was the key word wasn’t it. Had you also chosen to ignore everything that told you the opposite about him? You stared at the daggers you had left of the edge of your work table, the hilts a beautiful black and gold. As much as you wanted to use them, the sight alone reminded you why you couldn’t. Loki had given them to you after you had somewhat gotten the hang of fighting with weapons, and although he had specifically told you they were not a gift, you realized that maybe you should have looked beneath the words. Maybe you always should have.  
“(y/n), do you need me to keep going or do you have your readings?” Wanda’s voice crackled through the intercom system, breaking you from your thoughts.  
You looked through the glass into the test room and focused your attention on her figure, the room illuminated by a red glow as she levitated a ball up and down at different speeds.  
With a finger on the com button, you answered, “No, I mean yes I have my readings. Great job Wanda, you can come out now.”  
She came out of into the square room in the lab that kind of looked like a sound booth, a grin on her face. “What are you thinking?”  
“What?” It took you a moment to realize she wasn’t asking about what - or who - had just been on your mind but rather about your thoughts about the explosives. “Oh, right, the explosives. I think, if I can figure out a way to make sure that only you can detonate the explosives, then you’ll also be able to control the size and proficiency of the explosion.” You felt your energy shift with the idea of such an intricate explosion. “And the good news is, you don’t need to be in the lab anymore, at least for a little while.”  
She put her hand gently on yours, “I don’t mind it so much when you’re the scientist in charge.”  
“I’m no scientist. Just a regular old joe with a knack for blowing things up.”  
“And a knack for skipping training it would seem.” A dry, unamused voice added.  
Your heart leapt into your throat and you immediately looked down at your notes. It was the cowardly thing to do but you hadn’t seen Loki since you had stepped off the Quinjet, and the thought of facing those intense green eyes again terrified you. Avoiding him had been your solution to dealing with the emotions you had no names for and, not knowing how you’d react to seeing him, you had stuck with the plan.  
“Good afternoon Loki.” Wanda, ever so polite, spoke up when she noticed you weren’t going to answer.  
“Scarlet Witch.” His voice was curt, but it lacked the venom that usually laced the words he spoke to any of the other heroes in the compound. “Would you mind if I had a word with (y/n)?”  
She squeezed your hand in silent question, asking if you were all right to be alone with him. You nodded, even if you weren’t convinced yourself.  
She stood. “I’m excited to see what you’re going to come up with. I know it will be amazing.”  
You scoffed awkwardly, still looking at your notes. “That’s if I actually manage to figure this out. It’s kind of uncharted territory for me you know.”  
“You underestimate yourself (y/n).” She said before leaving.  
You waited to hear Loki walk into your lab but he didn’t move, opting to stay in the doorway instead. “Were you hurt…on the mission?” He asked in a soft but dangerous voice.  
Your attention snapped up, surprised by the question. Of all the questions you thought he might have, this wasn’t the one you would have come up with. His eyes searched your face, inspected your body, searching for an injury he might have missed days ago.  
You shook your head.  
He let out a breath. You wanted to say he looked relieved, but if he did, it didn’t last long.  
“Why didn’t you take the shot?” He demanded.  
“What shot?”  
“The two men on the roof.” He sighed as if he couldn’t imagine why he had to explain this to you. “If you had shot them, you would not have been in danger.”  
“We’re all in danger on missions. And anyways, I didn’t think guns were your style Loki,” you answered dryly, not wanting to admit your own lack of skill. “I thought they, how did you put it? Oh yeah, were for brutes who couldn’t be bothered to learn a skill with more finesse.”  
“They’re not ‘my style’ because I would not have been stuck in such a situation.” He snarled.  
“Well I’m sorry I don’t have your level of skill.” You retorted, feeling your anger rise in a way no one else could make it. “Or anyone else’s for that matter.”  
His eyes immediately softened. He took a step forward but thought the better of it and paused. “Come. Seeing as you’re not hurt, we have training to do.”  
You grabbed your pen. “I have work to do here.”  
“It can wait.”  
“It’s late.” You said pointing to the clock that read 9pm.  
“That’s never stopped you before.”  
You glared at him, daring him to repeat himself - to push you further. He only held your gaze, unfazed. He had gone from rigid to insouciant, now leaning against the door with his arms crossed loosely over his chest. It was his way of daring you to move first. He always waited for you to make the first move while sparring and it was no different here.  
You had no idea why he was being so insistent that you go down and spar with him, but your brain was beginning to hurt from trying to figure it out. You convinced yourself to agree, hoping that whatever would happen, wouldn’t have anything to do with your heart. Because even if he had promised never to hurt you, it was hard to know if that covered all forms of hurt.

Four Years Ago

_Your heart raced, and not in the good way. It was an eleven cups of coffee right before you tried to fall asleep kind of racing. You wiped your sweaty palms on your jeans and double checked your walkie-talkie. As tempted as you were to smash it to pieces and ignore the order, you didn’t. They’d know it was your fault. If things didn’t go according to plan because you chickened out, they’d put you through something you knew you’d never walk away from. Literally. You’d seen Alinsky’s work. Actually thrown up the first time you’d seen it. Living with whatever would happen toady on your conscious was better than going through whatever The Mob’s sadist would put you through._   
_Sitting on the rooftop of the building across the street from the bank, you waited. They didn’t want you in there with them, especially that you could create explosives that didn’t require you there to detonate them. You were their secret weapon; the one person they didn’t want the cops knowing about._   
_You didn’t know what was so valuable in the vault but hearing the lackeys’ chatter, you knew it was it was going to be one hell of a score. And judging by the amount of explosives you had had to create for the job, it was a dangerous one as well._   
_“We’re in position Feisty, blow it up.” You cringed at both the overused nickname and the deed itself._   
_Your finger caressed the button. You didn’t have to press it. You could walk away now and never look back._   
_Yeah, you do that, you’ll be on the run forever, you thought._   
_You squeezed the trigger and your eyes. Nothing happened. You had designed the explosives to barely make a sound and to emit an electromagnetic blast that would disable the alarms simultaneously. And, seeing as your calculations were never wrong, from this building, nothing seemed amiss. You listened for sirens but nothing came. A small part of you wanted to smile because you had succeeded but knowing you had succeeded in doing something horrible killed any kind of joy you might have felt._   
_Waiting for the next signal, you stared at the second detonator. The red circle button on top of the small cylinder stared you down. It seemed to be asking you if this was really what you wanted to do with your life. Or maybe that was what you were asking yourself._   
_Suddenly, three different voices shot through the walkie talkie, chaos palpable in the sound. Something was wrong._   
_“Detonate! Blow it now!”_   
_Glancing at your watch, you realized they were at least five minutes early. Something was definitely wrong. You peered out the window.Two black SUVs were parked outside the bank and you felt your heart drop, your finger resting on the button. You recognized those cars. Cops would have been bad. S.H.E.I.L.D was worse._   
_“Jesus Christ, for fucks sake Feisty blow the damn entrance up!”_   
_Ignoring the pit in your stomach, you hit the button and ran towards the stairs, praying that no one had gotten hurt and that neither would you. The only problem, was that you knew prayers were useless when you were relying on the malfunction of an explosive you had personally made sure would work. Whatever happened next, that was on you._

 

“I thought we were going to the sparring hall.” You said as you passed the doors to the hall.  
They were the first words you had spoken since you had left the lab, and it seemed like the safest way to start a conversation.  
He looked down at you with a side glance, keeping up the pace, “And what made you think that?”  
“The fact that you said we were going to spar.” You retorted.  
“I said we had training to do. I didn’t specify which kind.”  
You rolled your eyes. “Semantics.”  
“You’d be surprised how far you can get on semantics alone.” The corners of his eyes crinkled, the ghost of an arrogant smirk on his lips.  
“You would know.” You felt the corner of your mouth lift as well.  
“I would.” He stopped moving, all humour gone, and inspected your face, searching for something. “Does that bother you?”  
Even if you hadn’t stopped because he did, his words would have rooted you to the spot anyways. You had never heard such a question come from his lips and you never thought you would have either. Because it shouldn’t matter what you thought of him. He never cared what anyone thought of him. Least of all you…right?  
You considered shrugging off his question on the basis that you had simply missed the sarcasm behind it but you couldn’t. The look on his face wasn’t one you had ever seen before yet, for some reason, it was one you could read like a book. His brows were slightly raised in a way that seemed almost hopeful, yet his lips were pursed as if resigned to an expected, disappointing answer. The contradiction written on his face made you wonder if it was an outward expression of an inner war you had never been privy to. You hoped you were wrong, if only because you couldn’t stand to see that kind of pain on his face.  
“Does what bother me?” You asked, wanting to make sure you knew exactly what had made him look at you the way he did before answering.  
He only stared, his eyes flashing with more emotions than you had time to decipher. His body was still, as if afraid that if he moved you would bolt. Or maybe he was afraid that if he did, he would be the one to run. So you didn’t move either.  
“Does it bother me that you use words as a weapon to get what you want?” You finally whispered, trying to get to the real question.  
His head dipped slightly, as if it was all he could manage.  
You looked around, trying to find the right way to answer his question. You didn’t want to hurt him but you wouldn’t lie to him either. Did it bother you? Could you even answer? When your eyes settled on the door a few paces away you got your answer, not only to his question but to all your conflicting emotions as well. You let out a sigh. How you could have been so blind? Even if you had been dealing with the master of tricks you shouldn’t have swallowed his lies and believed his mask without a second thought. You had just been so afraid of going back to the person you had been before coming to the compound. You had refused to throw away your quick judgements about him to see the one person who had been trying their hardest to keep you safe. The one person who had promised never to hurt you. The person who had just asked if you could accept him, because if you couldn’t, knew he would distance himself again.  
Staring at the door to the gun range you shook your head. If you were right, he had did it all to keep you safe, and you had been too blind to see it.  
“You never did it for yourself,” You found his green eyes, needing to know the truth for sure, “Did you?”  
He didn’t move but you could see in his eyes that you were right.  
“We’re going to the gun range because, if I had been a better shot, I never would have been in danger…so this is how you make sure I stay safe. The relentless training, never missing a day, the knives and now the target practice.” You took a tentative step towards him, hoping you could ease the fear in his eyes. “You were serious when you said you were making sure I didn’t die.”  
He nodded.  
“Why?”  
You needed to hear the answer, even if it meant that every emotion you had pushed down, every lie you had told yourself to distance yourself from Loki, meant that you had simply been afraid - afraid of what it might mean if maybe he shared those feelings too.  
He grimaced and ran his fingers through his hair. “Because you never would have accepted my help if I had outright given it to you. You’re too stubborn for that (y/n) and the best way to keep you safe is to make sure you can do it yourself. And even if I had told you, you had made your thoughts about me clear enough the first time we met that I knew you wouldn’t agree.”  
“Well,” you whispered, slowly raising your hand to his cheek, “I know now and I’m nothing but thankful. I’m sorry I’ve been so… oblivious. I’m sorry-”  
He cut you off, his hand gently wrapping around your wrist, “Don’t apologize (y/n), not for this.”  
You cocked your head. “If not this then what?”  
“For being so damn reckless with your own life.” he growled.  
You felt a small smile tug on the corner of your lips, “You know I’m never going to apologize for that.”  
“Then don’t. You’ve never had anything to apologize for.”  
“And neither do you.” You said before pressing your lips to his.  
You only took him by surprise for a moment before he pulled your closer, cupping your head. You hadn’t realized how long you had been wanting to do that, and judging by the content sigh that escaped his lips when you pulled away, you weren’t the only one.  
“I take back what I said.” He started, and the only reason your heart didn’t drop in your chest was the sly smirk on his lips. “You do have something to apologize for.”  
“Oh?”  
His wild grin spread. “I do believe you broke my nose and never apologized for doing so.”  
“I’m pretty sure I apologized.” You laughed.  
“I’m sure you did not.”  
“Well, I’m sorry for breaking your nose Loki.” You smooth your hand down his chest. “Though, your nose looks perfectly fine to me.”  
“I’m sure you can find a way to make it up to me.”  
You looked up into those intense green eyes and smiled. “Fine.”  
Taking two steps forward so that he had you between his strong chest and the wall, he whispered, “fine” before he brought his lips down to meet yours.


	12. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this series! Hope you enjoyed it!!! <3

“I hate this.” You groaned, looking at the bullet riddled target sheet.  
After six months of working on your aim, it seemed you still weren’t much better than you had been when you had started. Although you now succeeded in getting all the bullets through the body outline, half of those shots were flesh wounds. From this distance, you were a miserable shot. Despite the goal of his mentoring, from this distance, you wouldn’t be able to make the shot to save your life. The only consolation was that from closer, you weren’t terrible.  
“Can we just get back to sparring?” You could hear how whinny your voice sounded, but you couldn’t seem to help it.  
“And miss the opportunity to make fun of you?” Loki asked from his lazy position against the wall. “Never.”  
You put the gun down and crossed your arms. “You know, for all your teasing and arrogance, I’ve never once seen you take a shot. Who’s to say you’re any better?”  
“I say.” He said as if it was matter of fact.  
“Oh yeah?” Taking a step towards him as he pushed off the wall, you puffed your chest to try and make yourself taller. “Prove it.”  
His lips spread into a wolfish grin, “Not a problem.”  
He didn’t move and your lips spread victoriously. “Why aren’t you doing anything then?”  
He let out a small huff and his head dipped slightly. You found yourself pushing up onto your toes to meet his lips, but he hovered just out of reach, that stupid grin still on his face, “What are you doing (y/n)?”  
“You know what.”  
“I don’t. I was merely looking down to make sure my laces were tied.”  
“Prick.” You muttered.  
He chuckled, backing off, and picked up the gun. Within seconds, you watched as five shots only made three holes in the sheet.  
“I thought you said you didn’t like guns.” You grumbled.  
He shrugged, with fake modesty, “Just because I don’t like them, does not mean that I cannot use them.”  
“This is ridiculous.” You shoved past him, though you weren’t all that upset about it, “Is there anything you can’t do?”  
He followed you out, silent until you exited the range, “There is.”  
“Really?” You were so surprised by his admittance that you stopped short, unable to believe you had actually heard him say something of the sort.  
He nodded, but didn’t elaborate. “I thought you were supposed to be headed to the lab.”  
“I was. But don’t try and change the subject.” you kept walking, knowing you had work to do in the lab before tomorrow’s mission. “What is it? What can the God of Mischief possibly not be good at?”  
This time, he stopped you with a hand, facing you so that you could look him in the eyes. He had his no nonsense look and you almost began to worry.  
“I can’t do what it is that you do.” You rolled your eyes in response to his corny answer, but his hands found your face, keeping it there so that he could hold eyes contact. “I’m serious (y/n). No one here can do what you do.”  
You sighed, “You’re just telling me this now because you don’t want me to get discouraged about the fact that I’m a terrible shot.”  
“I’m telling you this,” he paused and you could tell it was to try and keep the growl out of his voice, “because we have a mission tomorrow and, because the prospect of death does not seem to be enough to keep you alive, I need to make sure you know how much you are needed here so that you don’t sacrifice yourself to save someone else.”  
You shot him a small smile. “How could I when I have you watching my back?”  
“Exactly, you can’t.” You had rarely seen him look so stern. “So don’t even try.”  
Before you could say anything else, he closed the matter with his lips on yours.

_You sat in the interrogation room, waiting for the detective that was about to interrogate you. Even though you knew you hadn’t been sitting in the cold, bland room for more than a half hour, it felt like an eternity. The only consolation you had, was knowing that if you were convicted, at least you’d be safe from the mob in jail. A life in jail couldn’t be worse than what you had to do for your employers._   
_Shifting, you tried to get comfortable despite the fact that you were handcuffed to the table. If they thought you’d be able to create an explosive in order to break out of the precinct with whatever you found in here then they were badly mistaken. There was really no need for the handcuffs, and although you were slightly flattered that you were seen as that dangerous, these people shouldn’t have had to fear you at all. You never wanted to hurt anyone._   
_When the door finally opened, you looked straight ahead, ignoring the man who walked in. You had been trained not to say a thing and if you could get through this interview without betraying any of your bosses, then you’d be safe in prison. If not, no where was safe._   
_A square, blond haired man took a seat in front of you and you felt your heart drop. You had been trained to deal with detectives, not Captain America himself. Your heart began to pound and you flattened your sweaty palms on the table. What the hell had been inside that vault? Had they known S.H.I.E.l.D would get involved? And if they had, why hadn’t they let you know?_   
_“(y/n). Sorry for the wait.” He said, looking down at the papers in his hand before placing them on the table._   
_You barely looked at him and waited for him to say whatever it was he was here to say. You wouldn’t say anything first and if you could help it, you wouldn’t say anything at all._   
_He sighed. “Staying silent won’t do you any good. There’s enough evidence to put you away for not only this crime, but multiple others as well. Even if we don’t get a signed confession, you’re still going to jail.”_   
_You went to cross your arms but the sound of the handcuffs and the chaffing at your wrists reminded you that you were trapped here, and you would stay trapped for who knew how long you would be sentenced for._   
_“Your sentence could be lightened though,” he waited to see how you would react, and when you said nothing, continued. “depending on how many crimes you confess to. And of course, knowing who you’re working for, the more you confess, the greater the chance we can get you protection once you get out of prison. Do we have a deal?”_   
_It didn’t take long to think about it. Even though you had said you would stay quiet, you were so tired all you wanted to do was get out of this mess. Protection was what you needed and if it took confessing your sins to get it, then you would do it. Maybe it was also the first step into getting them absolved. So you nodded and waited._   
_He began listing jobs, going as far back as your first week with the Mob, six years ago. He had everything from some of your more minor jobs, like blowing up a hotdog stand as a diversion, to the larger ones like the multiple bank jobs you had helped pull off in the past year, and finished with this vault job. As he listed the, you realized just how essential you had been to all their jobs. They had managed to pull off a lot of terrible things with you at their side. It seemed like the Captain had come to a similar realization._   
_“As terrible as your work is (y/l/n), I hate to say it, but your work is near perfect.” He said as a conclusion to his listing._   
_Unable to stop yourself, you spoke the first words you had said all day, “They’re not near perfect Captain. They are perfect. I don’t put an explosive in use if I’m not absolutely sure that it’s perfect.”_   
_His jaw twitched as if he was trying not to smile. “Then explain something to me. The second series of explosives that went off when my team entered the building didn’t go off completely. Three out of the four explosives malfunctioned and remained intact for forensics to find. If your explosives are always perfect, why didn’t they go off?”_   
_You stared into those blue eyes, not sure if you believed what he was saying. There shouldn’t have been a problem with the explosives you had used. They had been such basic ones, you could have made them in your sleep. Had you truly been so careless? Or had you maybe made the mistake on purpose?_   
_The Captain raised a brow in silent question. Something told you that he wasn’t trying to rub in the fact that he had just proven to you that your work wasn’t perfect, but that he was trying to tell you something else. Something you hadn’t really let yourself consider while you were waiting here._   
_Had you subconsciously thwarted their plans, knowing you couldn’t do it anymore? Had that been your silent rebellion, knowing that getting caught was the safest way for you to make it out? The corner of his mouth twitched as he saw the thought dawn on you._   
_“I can’t explain what happened. But I stand by the fact that I don’t put imperfect explosions into use.” You said, confirming his thoughts without saying anything that would damn you with the mob._   
_“That’s what I thought. Thank you (y/l/n).” He stood up and walked to the door, but you couldn’t let him leave._   
_Something he had said had been bothering you and you couldn’t let him leave without knowing. The wait would eat you alive, especially if you had to wait to talk to another person before getting your answer._   
_“You said your team came in while the explosion happened.”_   
_He paused without turning back, waiting to see where you were going to go with the statement._   
_“Are they all okay? Your team I mean.”_   
_He turned, a strange look on his face. “They’re all fine, thanks to their enhanced abilities.”_   
_You let out a sigh and sat back in the chair, resigned to wait for whoever would release you, but he didn’t leave._   
_“They’re also all alive because only one of the four explosions went off.”_   
_He walked out the door and you closed your eyes, unable to believe that somehow, you hadn’t killed anyone. For the first time you had messed up an explosion, but maybe, just maybe, you had known exactly what you were doing. Despite sitting in an interrogation room, you had never been more relieved in your life._

 

“Why didn’t you ever tell me you could hear and speak to me through your illusions?” You asked, as you both made your way to the next explosion point.  
So far the mission had gone off without a hitch, and there was enough time for you to get to the second location that, to anyone in the busy city, it looked like you were simply taking a stroll with a handsome man in a dark suit.  
“I wanted to give you some space,” He said, his hands jammed into his pockets, “And I was afraid to ruin your concentration.”  
You laughed, “so you just spied on me in silence like some kind of creep?”  
He shot you a deadpan look. “No. And if I hadn’t been, I believe you would have been dead. I also believe you still have not thanked me for that either.”  
“What can I say, manners aren’t my strong suit.” You turned the corner into a secluded alley, where you would wait for the signal. “And I don’t think I can accurately thank you for that when you’re not actually here.” You answered with a wink.  
The corner of his mouth twitched upward, “Oh but I am”  
“Loki!” You practically shouted, your heart dropping in your chest, “ How could you be so reckless! If you’re here, than who the hell is with Wanda and Clint?”  
Moving closer, you went to slap him on the chest, but your hand went right through, causing you to stumble. His lips spread into a wolfish grin and the sound of his chuckling filled the alley.  
“I’m not here of course.” He replied, his eyes alight with mischief. “I’m with them.”  
You crossed your arms, trying your hardest to keep a smile of relief off your face. “You’re an idiot.”  
“I think you’re mistaking idiot with clever.” He said as his image began to fade.  
“I know I’m not” you mumbled, getting ready to detonate.  
You could feel your excitement growing. This explosion was a couple one that would make one hell of a show and you were the one to start it in less than a minute.  
“(y/n), don’t mess up.” He teased, echoing the words he had said on your first mission.  
Your shook your head with a little laugh and the last thing you saw before the image disappeared completely was that stupid little smirk on his face.  
You still couldn’t believe how you had gotten to be so lucky.


End file.
